Paying Debts
by candi711
Summary: No matter how hard you try or how fast you run your past will always find a way to catch up to you. This is a lesson Amanda learned the hard way.
1. Discovery

**A/N: This is an idea I've had in my head for months but always left it on the back burner, until now. For continuity sake Gambler's Fallacy and Beast's Obsession happened late in the 16th** **season and Forgiving Rollins happened after those. Nothing too major to think about, just needed to change the timeline for reasons :)**

It had been a very hectic week for the SVU squad. Case after case came pouring in, all troublesome and each one more horrific than the last. Only by some miracle were they able to close most of them by Friday night. With some sense of accomplishment the the team gathered their belongings ready to have a, hopefully, restful weekend.

"Come on guys" Carisi's energetic voice broke out over the squad room. The young Italian detective stood over his desk and paused in his packing to speak to his colleagues "you know what we need to do... we need to have a few beers" he finished sending a grin to the three other SVU officers who were on their way out.

"It's been a long week Carisi" Amanda said as she swung her jacket over her shoulders "I think we should just head home"

"Awe come on, I know it's been a long week" Carisi responded in a pleading voice "that's why we need this, to unwind and be around each other when we're not facing the worst humanity has to offer"

Fin looked down at his watch and clicked his tongue "well, it's only six o'clock. Why the hell not" Carisi clapped his hand excitedly "but you're buying the first round" the elder detective added with a pointed finger. If he was going to do this why not try and get a free drink out if it, Fin thought to himself.

Carisi looked at Amanda "Okay fine, I can stay for a little while, just let me call my sitter" she answer his pleading look, with a sigh and a small grin she phoned her sitter to announce that she'd be an hour or two later than she had originally planned.

"Come on Lieu, it's just down to you now" Carisi said as he looked eagerly at his boss. Olivia sighed and nodded her head.

"But let's not over due it this time around guys, I wasn't too fond of sharing a cab with the lot of you last time just to ensure you all made it home" Olivia smirked as she recalled their last drinking trip where she ended up being the most sober person and had to practically babysit her own detectives. In her team's defense, they were celebrating Carisi passing the BAR exam and she did tell them to let loose; she just didn't expect them to take it that literally. "Remember I'm your boss, not your mother" she finished with a chuckle as they all headed out to one of the many bars in Manhattan.

Conversation was light and joyful as they made their way to the bar. They had made an agreement long ago to not talk shop when off duty. It was all they could due to remain sane. "You know what" Amanda said as they turned the corner on the block "I'm glad I came along, I think I need a moment to take a breather from being a cop and a single mom and just remember what it's like to be me"

Carisi nodded his head in agreement "Yeah I can get that, hey if you... " he paused and looked at Olivia as well "and Benson ever want to take a break just say the word and me and Fin can watch the little tykes while you two have a girls night or something"

"Hey" Fin interrupted "how did I get involved in this?"

"You two?" Olivia chuckled "don't get me wrong guys, you're great and all, but I don't think that would be a good idea. The kids would eat you guys up alive". To be honest the thought of a girls night with Amanda sounded interesting, the older woman didn't like how their relationship always seemed strained as compared with the guys.

"Awe come on now" Fin said in a mock indignant tone "I don't know about Jr here" he jutted his thumb at Carisi "but I could handle a three and one year old just find"

"Hey now, I come from a big family. I'm used to kids" Carisi defended himself as well. They had reached the entrance to the bar and he went to open the door for everyone.

"I've seen the way you treat my daughter" Amanda laughed "Jesse is only one and she already has you wrapped around her little finger" Carisi feigned objection, but he knew that she was right.

Benson entered the bar first, followed by Amanda, Fin and Carisi bringing up the rear "alright, a deal's a deal" the young Italian detective began "you guys find a table and I'll get the drinks" he finished as he left to retrieve their beverages.

Amanda took a step forward to find a table but instantly stopped. Her face fell, and her body language instantly became agitated. This change did not go unnoticed by her two older colleagues. "Manda?" Fin asked out of concern "you alright?"

"I...um..." Amanda stuttered out, never looking at them. Olivia followed her gaze and realized that she had made eye contact with a patron of the bar. A man in the back corner, he made a smirk towards the blonde and sent her a mock wave with two fingers. Amanda shook her head and turned towards the door "I... I need to go home" the blonde blurted out looking much paler than she had before "Jesse... Jesse has been sick... and, ya I just need to go" she stammered out. She didn't even wait for a response from her colleagues before rushing out the door.

"Amanda wait?" Olivia called after her and she and Fin followed her outside, concerned with the sudden change in behavior of their youngest detective.

"What's going on?" Carisi asked as he ran after them, noticing the commotion. He looked down the street and saw Amanda walking in haste away from them. Her head was down and she was clearly distracted "Amanda!" he yelled in concern as he sprinted after her "Amanda stop!" he tried again and just barely reached her and pulled her back before she walked unknowingly into traffic.

"Get off of me!" Amanda screamed as she pushed Carisi back "Let me go"

"Calm down, Amanda it's just me okay" he said as he released her and put his hands up in clear sight to let her know that he meant no harm. He took a slow step back, his eyes never leaving her "I would never hurt you Amanda, I swear" he finished as he realized that at that moment she seemed afraid of him.

"I'm..." Amanda said as she looked around, seemingly aware of her surroundings now "I'm sorry Carisi, I wasn't thinking" she finished, her breath still notably ragged

"Are you guys okay?" Olivia said as she and Fin finally caught up to the pair. She gave a concerned look towards Amanda and watched as the younger woman turned away avoiding her glance.

"What the hell was that Amanda" Fin yelled. He wasn't angry, but just confused. He had just watched his partner almost walk straight on into traffic.

"I wasn't looking, I just decided I needed to head home, I want to check on Jesse" Amanda tried to explain. Her heart was racing and she couldn't stand that they were all looking at her so intently.

"You were so gung-ho about this before? What changed?" Fin asked her, the concern evident in his voice.

"I can change my mind, can't I" Amanda bit back irritatedly. Her body felt like it was on fire despite the cool breeze sending chills down her colleagues spines. She really did want nothing else than to return home, she wasn't ready to face the man she had seen in the bar, and she sure as hell wasn't going to explain that to the others. She took a deep breath and exhaled from her nose, she needed to get control over herself before this turned into a panic attack "look, I'm sorry. I just remembered something and I need to take care of it. But first, I really just want to go home and check on Jesse"

Fin was about to interject again but Olivia cut him off "alright Rollins" she said as she nodded her head. She knew something was off, but decided against perusing it at that moment. This was not the time or place to interrogate her youngest detective, and Amanda didn't seem to be in the best mind set to handle that at the moment anyway, but she wasn't going to just drop it either. Benson understood that Fin would probably be mad at her for this, if anything Fin was extremely protective over his partner "but Carisi you take her home" the younger detective nodded his agreement.

"Wait, that's not necessary" Amanda protested "I am more than capable of getting home by myself". The blonde detective was anything but not proud and she didn't like to appear weak. It was bad enough that she had to freak out in front of her squad, she didn't want to be escorted home either. "It would be too much trouble, and I don't want to ruin ya'll's night" she added, knowing that it was all in vain.

"Manda, you nearly walked into traffic" Fin pointed out, never the one to beat around the bush, "I don't know what set you off but you're not heading home alone tonight. So it's either him or me"

"Fine Carisi, let's go" Amanda resigned herself. If she was going to have someone it might as well have been Sonny. At least with him, she cold distract him from questions with Jesse. Without much more of a good bye the pair left, but not before Olivia was able to grab Carisi and ask him to contact her when Amanda was home safe.

Fin and Olivia watched as their younger colleagues left, they remained silent for several moments until Fin spoke up "what the hell caused all this?" he asked confused "she was fine one moment and running away the next. What set her off?"

"I'm not entirely sure but I might have an idea" Olivia said as she turned and headed back towards the bar "come on"

"What'cha mean?" Fin asked as they walked

"When Amanda first acted strangely she was looking at a man in the bar, whatever just happened I bet he was the cause of it" she finished explaining as they entered the bar for the second time that night. The brunette detective scanned the interior for the man she had seen earlier without luck "damn he must have left when we were outside" she explained as she saw the empty booth he was once occupying.

"Who do you think this man was?" Fin questioned "and why would Manda be so concerned after seeing him"

Benson breathed out harshly "I don't know, and Amanda's too stubborn to tell us out of her own free will. I bet by Monday she will all but deny her behavior tonight" she complained. Olivia was frustrated, the look she saw on Amanda's face was undeniably fear, but she couldn't understand why she was so afraid. It was at moments like these the elder woman wished they had a better relationship, one where she could just head over to her apartment and talk. But no, they were lucky to even talk casually at work, and Olivia felt slightly to blame for that. Amanda reminded her too much of herself, a person she used to be when she had her old partner. A time in her life that was painful to think about now, and their relationship paid for it.

 **A/N: Who do you guys think the man is, and why did Amanda have such a strong reaction? Oh and just a heads up, if you're familiar with my past updating schedule I am sad to say that it will not be like that this story. I am back in school and time is not as easy to come by, but this story shouldn't be too long so it shouldn't be too much of a problem :) thanks for reading.**


	2. Lies

The journey home was awkward and silent to say the least. Amanda all but refused to even glance in Carisi's direction since they had left Olivia and Fin behind. In truth, Amanda was angry at herself. She freaked out at the bar, and caused her team to worry for her. If there was anything she hated most in the world it was others seeing her as weak, just above having people pity her. It was the way she was raised, the way she has survived all the crap that life has ever thrown at her. Deep down however, she was secretly glad that she didn't have to walk home alone. The man in the bar terrified her, and she didn't know what she would do if he somehow followed her home, but now she had to come up with a way to make Carisi, and the others, believe that nothing was wrong or else they would never let this go.

"Well thanks for walking me back Carisi" Amanda said flippantly as they reached the front of her building "not that you needed to or anything" she finished as she turned to head inside, expecting Carisi to leave at that moment.

"Whoa, hold up Amanda" Carisi responded hurriedly "I'm walking you up" Carisi could almost feel the irritation Amanda was trying to hide; but it didn't seem directed at him, at least not completely. No, she was irritated at herself.

"I can walk myself up, you don't need to hold my hand, it's not like I'm afraid of the boogie man" Amanda responded quickly, in truth she would have rather seen the boogie man that night instead of the man in the bar. The blonde detective felt like she needed to get inside, she needed him to leave so she could finally let go of the emotions she was trying so hard to control.

"Wait, you said Jesse has been sick right" Carisi answered, not at all offended by her sarcastic tone "I just want to see how she's doing, remember you're the one that said she has me wrapped around her little finger" he finished with a smile and a shrug.

"Fine" Amanda sighed and they entered her building "the elevators broken, so you better not complain about taking the stairs"

"A little more cardio wouldn't hurt me" the Italian detective said easily as he followed her up the moderately lit stairway

"Amanda?" the young babysitter said in surprise as the blonde entered her apartment "I wasn't expecting you for another hour or so"

"Sorry Gina, but plans changed hope you don't mind" Amanda gave a small shrug but then offered a wide smile as she took her daughter from Gina's hands "there's my baby girl"

"No problem at all" Gina said as she gathered her things into her backpack "I would never complain about being able to go home early, bye Amanda bye Jesse" she cooed at the infant. The young babysitter offered Carisi a slight nod as she passed him "I'll see you guys on Monday" she finished before she shut the door behind her.

"So that's Jesse's sitter" Carisi said after the woman in question left "she seems young, but nice"

"She's a night student, so as long as Jesse is okay, I don't mind her doing her school work here. It works best for both of our schedules" Amanda said as she shifted Jesse on her hip. The baby being fussy and reaching out for Carisi after realizing that he was there.

"Awe you want to come to Uncle Sonny" Carisi laughed as he grabbed Jesse from her mother's arms "ow, that doesn't come off" Carisi chuckled in pain a bit as Jesse grabbed at his hair and pulled hard. The baby girl giggling at his discomfort.

"See, wrapped around her finger" Amanda shook her head with a smirk

"I never denied that you know" he laughed as Jesse squirmed in his arms to be put down, becoming tired of being held. They watched the infant crawl to her toys and begin throwing them around, smiling like there was no tomorrow. Carisi looked back at Amanda, his face becoming more serious, "Amanda..." he began "what happened at the bar tonight?"

The blonde detective tensed slightly. She knew this was coming "I really am sorry Carisi" she looked at him and bit the side of her cheek, she needed to appear calm. "I didn't mean to freak out back there..."

"But why Amanda?" Carisi pushed as he noticed her trail off. He wasn't going to let this go, she scared him tonight and he didn't like that.

"It's complicated, okay and I don't want to talk about it" Amanda finished as she crossed her arms in front of her in a defiant stance. But Carisi didn't back down either, finally Amanda rolled her eyes and sighed "okay, if I tell you will you go home. It's not a big deal anyway" Amanda lied. It was a big deal, it was big to her, even if she wished she could just erase it all, it would be big to her team if they ever found out.

"I just want what's best for you Rollins" Carisi said in a soft tone. He took a seat at the counter and waited for Amanda's explanation.

"There was a guy in there okay, someone that I didn't want to see" Amanda said in a matter of fact tone.

"A guy?" Carisi questioned "Amanda you practically ran out of there, who was this guy, did he hurt you?"

"No, no" she waved her hand dismissively "it wasn't like that" she lied again. "We just had a weird relationship and, well it didn't end well. I just hoped to never see him again and was shocked that he would be there"

"So he was like an ex-boyfriend or something?" Carisi questioned

"Or Something" Amanda repeated. He gave her a pointed look "there were never any titles okay" she relented in frustration "like I said this was no big deal"

"Did he hurt you?" Carisi asked again. He wasn't sure if he could believe it was all this simple.

"Stop it okay I told you what happened, it's not my fault that you don't believe me" Amanda spit out as she moved to grab Jesse before she could climb up her bookshelf. She couldn't answer his question, she wouldn't answer it. It was a lie that she feared she would not be able to pass off.

Carisi watched Amanda ignore him as she played with Jesse's hand, and then a thought struck him "is he Jesse's father?"

The question caught Amanda off guard, but she quickly recovered and sent him a glare. She watched as Carisi's eyes fell to her daughter and his face softened into a sad smile. Amanda's frustration evaporated and she felt a knot form in her throat, she needed him to leave now before she would break down "no..." she paused and looked at her feet while biting her bottom lip before gently resting her cheek against the side of her daughter's face in a comforting manner "...I'm not sure" she was able to whisper as she turned slightly away, finally telling the truth. Amanda didn't expect to tell Carisi that, it just came out.

"So it ended like that" the Italian detective responded in a low voice "I'm sorry Amanda I didn't mean to pry, I was just concerned, but thank you for trusting me enough to tell me" he stood from his chair and walked over to the mother and daughter pair. He quickly gave Jesse a kiss and patted her on her head. Carisi bid them a night and went to the door, but before he left he said "don't worry about it too much Amanda... it doesn't matter if you don't know who Jesse's father is, she has a wonderful mother, and all of us at the one six. She already has everything she could have ever wanted in a family" she could only nod as he shut the door behind him.

"Great" Amanda released an exasperated sigh "now he thinks I'm a slut who slept around and got pregnant" she said to her daughter, knowing that the baby could not understand her "but better for him to think that than know the truth" she finished as the first tear fell from her eye. Finally, alone, Amanda could cry without the fear of judgment. She walked with Jesse in her arms to her bedroom, where she cradled her daughter in a deep hug as the torrent of emotions finally overcame her.

 **A/N: So I was able to finish another chapter faster than I expected :) Can anyone guess what's going on with Amanda? I always fear that my stories are to predictable, but I promise there are a few turns in the story. Thanks for reading, and the reviews. They always make me smile.**


	3. Threads

**A/N: So I'm being stupid and writing this instead of studying for my exams... well this is a stress reliever haha. Just don't get used to this speed :) enjoy.**

As usual, Olivia was the first one to arrive at the precinct. She looked at each of her detective's desks as she passed them, but she stopped and stood in front of Amanda's. Her mind going back to the previous Friday night at the bar, images of her youngest detective all but running away from the dive. "What really happened?" Olivia whispered the questioned aloud to herself.

True to his word, Carisi did call the SVU Lieutenant when he had dropped off Amanda. He wouldn't break her confidence but had told the elder woman that the young blonde became agitated over a past lover she recognized. He would give her no more details, but ensured her that Amanda was alright and just needed space. Olivia hoped that he was right, but her experience with Amanda and her own instincts were telling her that it wasn't so simple.

Olivia had respected Carisi's advice and gave her youngest detective space over the weekend, but now that it was Monday, she was going to have a small chat with the blonde. To find out what? She wasn't sure, but she hoped that speaking with her directly would ease the discomfort that was growing in the pit of her stomach.

One by one the SVU Lieutenant watched, from her office, as the bullpen filled up. First Fin arrived, then Carisi, and finally, almost a little late, Amanda came strolling in. Perhaps strolling was an overstatement, simply put Amanda looked stressed, as if she hadn't slept a wink in the past few days. "Morning Sunshine" Olivia heard Fin greet Amanda as she sat at her desk "you look well refreshed". Amanda all but gave Fin the bird for that remark.

"You handle a sick one year old all weekend and tell me how refreshed you look after" Amanda huffed out as she turned on her computer.

"Hey, I didn't mean anything by it" Fin responded as he leaned forward in his seat onto his desk, and lowered his voice "I just wanted to make sure you're okay, after..." he was cut off by the young blonde.

"I'm okay Fin, I just had a bad night. Nothing to worry about" Amanda said with a sincere face, the last thing she wanted was for her team to worry about her. She didn't want or need that attention.

"If you say so Manda" Fin finished with a contemplating look on his face. Olivia could see Amanda roll her eyes at her partner. It was obvious to all that he didn't buy her excuse but he wasn't going to push her, at least not in the middle of the bullpen.

Leaving her office to stand in the doorway she beckoned her youngest detective "Rollins, my office please". Olivia could see how the blonde stiffened at her voice, but slowly stood and followed her inside. "Shut the door" Olivia asked as she leaned back against the front of her desk, in a non threatening manner.

Amanda bit her lip as she complied. "Look, Lieutenant" Amanda began once the door was shut. She figured what Olivia had called her in for and she wanted to be the one to control the flow of the conversation "I know why you wanted to talk, and I'm sorry for how I acted on Friday but nothing's wrong, other than my baby girl having the flu"

Olivia was silent for several beats "Then why did you practically run away, almost into traffic mind you?" she asked with no accusation in her voice. She wasn't there to yell or berate Amanda. Olivia was genuinely concerned for her.

"I acted immature..." Amanda said slowly as she nodded her head, as if she was trying to convince herself of this fact. "I saw someone I didn't want to and instead of facing it like an adult I left" she finished explaining.

"That's not like you Rollins" Olivia observed "you're not one to usually run away from things, so I'm only going to ask you once. Are you in trouble? Gambling or..."

"God no" Amanda rushed out, offended that her boss would even think that, until she realized that it was her own fault. She had given Olivia more than ample reason to not trust her, but this time she didn't do anything wrong. She has kept her promise and hasn't even thought about relapsing "Olivia, I promise I haven't gambled since that operation with Murphy. I wouldn't risk Jesse's future for that" Amanda was almost pleading. She needed Olivia to believe her, she couldn't lose this job, Amanda knew that Benson was telling the truth when she said this was her final shot "That thing on Friday it..." she wanted to say had nothing to do with gambling, but Amanda feared that Olivia would be able to see through that lie. He had everything to do with her past addiction to gambling. He was the monster that stood in the shadows of her life. "It was just personal issues okay, it has nothing to do with work, so please can we drop it"

Olivia could see the pain in Amanda's face as she was trying to convince her that she wasn't gambling again. The fear radiating from the younger woman was almost palpable. The seasoned SVU Lieutenant believed her when she said she didn't relapse, but she wasn't convinced that the event at the bar was such a simple matter either. "Alright Amanda, I believe you and I'll drop it" Olivia began, she would let this one go, but not without an internal promise to be more observant on Amanda's movements for the blonde's own safety "but just remember that I'm here if you ever need anything" she gave Amanda a sincere look "and I mean anything at all" she finished, softening her facial expression to emphasize how much she meant her words.

Amanda nodded slowly, a bit of reluctance crossing on her face. She didn't want this. She didn't want to have her team thinking that something was wrong, she hated thinking that others saw her as weak. However, there was another part of her that was grateful for the support even if she didn't know how to ask for help, she was happy that people cared. "Thanks for the offer Benson, but really I'm fine" she said as she turned to walk away "was that all?" she asked as an afterthought, hoping that it would be true.

"Actually no" Olivia responded "I need you and Carisi to head to Caren Miller's apartment and get her reaction to the images that TARU found on her ex's laptop" referencing the last open case that carried over from the previous week.

Amanda visibly relaxed when the subject of work was back at the forefront "copy that Lieutenant" she nodded before leaving to tell Carisi of their new task.

* * *

It wasn't long after Amanda and Carisi left that Olivia began working on the day to day administrative details that must be done for the squad, she hated doing paperwork but it seemed to be the thing that occupied most of her time as of late. A knock at the door drew her attention away from the pile of offending documents overcrowding her desk. She looked to the door to see Fin standing just outside waiting for her cue "come in" she prompted

"Hey Liv, just wanted to ask real quick how your talk with Manda went" he inquired getting straight to the point.

"How did you know I talked to her" Olivia questioned back as she removed her reading glasses from her eyes and rubbed them gently to relieve the strain paperwork always caused them.

Fin gave her a pointed look "come on Liv, I've known you for years. You weren't going to let this go unless you talked to her, besides you've seen her. She looks like hell" he responded with a smug but concerned look. He did know her all too well.

"You're right. I did talk to her" Olivia began and she rolled her eyes at the smirk that formed on her old friend's face, but all too soon his stance became more serious. He was deeply concerned over Amanda's behavior. "But she assured me that everything was okay, that it was just an unwanted face from her past" she summarized what little Amanda had actually told her.

"And you bought that?" Fin retorted quickly as he scrunched up his forehead.

"No, actually I didn't" Olivia stated honestly "but Amanda is an adult and her personal life is none of our concern, if she isn't gambling then I really have no right to interfere" she finished as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms in front of herself.

"You accused her of gambling?" Fin questioned, he knew that this would have set off his partner "She isn't gambling again, Liv, I know her tells. She wouldn't do that to Jesse"

Olivia held up her hand to stop Fin from defending Amanda, mostly because she agreed with him "I know she isn't, but I had to ask" she explained "but with that not being the case, there really is nothing we can do without her coming to us. Amanda is a private person, it's not our place to interfere with her; however, that doesn't mean that I don't think we shouldn't keep an eye on her"

"You don't have to tell me twice" Fin nodded in agreement, he was going to protect his partner. His mind wandered back to images of her old bookie threatening her and when she was shot because of his old partner's daughter; he wasn't going to let any harm come to her again. He couldn't keep failing her.

Another knock at the door caused both senior SVU officers to shift their attentions to a young uniformed officer "excuse me, Lieutenant, I don't mean to interrupt, but I have a young woman, Erin Colton, who said she was raped. I placed her in the interrogation room we use for victims" as he finished Olivia looked to her right through the two-way mirror and saw a woman in her late twenties sitting at the table looking down and fiddling with her hands.

"Thank you, Jeffers, I'll handle it" Olivia said as she dismissed the young officer. "Fin, hold down the fort while I take the interview" she asked her old friend. She could tell with one look that this woman was put through the ringer and would most likely want to talk to a female officer. Fin nodded his understanding and they both stepped out of the office.

Olivia gently walked into the interrogation room in order to not startle the young woman before her. She had auburn hair and bright brown eyes. Her clothes were messy and baggy, they hung loosely off of her thin frame. "Hello Ms. Colton, I'm Lieutenant Olivia Benson" she offered with a small smile as she sat in front of the exhausted woman before her "I was told that you were raped"

"It's Mrs. Colton, but honestly I'm getting divorced I never want to go back again" Erin said with a painful smile in an attempt to not breakdown. She was clearly nervous and agitated about the situation she found herself in.

"Was it your husband that attacked you?" Olivia questioned picking up on the distaste the young woman was showing towards her spouse.

"No, but it might as well have been, it's all his fault" Erin said as she looked down at her wrists, Olivia noticed for the first time bruising that indicated that she had been tied down "I... I should have known it was going to turn up like this" she said dejectedly as she bobbed her head back and forth in an attempt to keep her nerves down.

"What do you mean this is all his fault?" Olivia asked gently "can you start from the beginning of what happened?"

"My..." Erin swallowed hard and took a deep breath "my husband has a problem" she gave an embarrassed look at Olivia and the older woman nodded her head to continue "he's a chronic gambler and over the years has landed himself in thousands of dollars of debt. I have a good job at New York's First Bank. I'm in low-level management at the corporate office, but I was just keeping us afloat" she paused and gave a sigh "I know, I know. It's pathetic to be married to an addict, I was just enabling him..."

"No, it's not" Olivia gently encouraged "it sounds like you loved him, you tried your best"

"For all the good that did me" Erin said with a sigh as a stray tear fell from her eye "anyway, he didn't tell me about most of his debt and has been defaulting on his payments... so instead of attacking him they went through me" Erin shrugged with tight lips and ran her hand through her hair, she let her fingers run on her scalp until she found her ear and started rubbing it, she didn't feel comfortable and Olivia was picking up on that.

"Do you need me to get you anything... call anyone?" Olivia offered in an attempt to help calm the younger woman.

"No, I just want those bastards to pay for what they did to me" Erin said with determination "They told me not to come to the cops, but I couldn't pretend nothing happened"

"Wait, they?" Olivia asked "there was more than one?"

"There were three" Erin said as a sob tore through her throat "and they each raped me, it was some sort of sick payment. The first guy, the man was fearless. He didn't bother to wear a mask like the other two. He seemed to be in charge. He told me that he bought my husbands debt and that I was going to pay him back by selling myself to the two other men. He called himself the facilitator. They kept me from Saturday night to this morning. These are their clothes they gave me because they cut mine off" Erin said in disgust as she fingered the poor fitted clothes hanging around her "the worst part of it all... they filmed it" Erin was holding the collar of her shirt tightly as she spoke "they fucken filmed it like I was a cheap porn star"

"I am so sorry for what you were put through Erin and I promise we will do everything in our power to try and find these men" Olivia said as she gently placed her hand on top of the younger woman's. "But you say you saw this facilitator's face, do you think you can sit down with a sketch artist" Olivia asked "it could help in identifying him"

"Of course, but I can do one better. I recognized one of the men's voices" Erin said as she sat up straighter "He's in upper middle management in my building, I've sat in enough meeting hearing him yell to never forget it. He's one of those high and mighty types, even though he's not as important as he thinks he is. He probably didn't even recognize me"

"That's great news, Erin, we can get a warrant and look for that video. His name?" Olivia asked, needing a name for the warrant.

"Oh ya, sorry. Paul Hoffman" the younger woman stated with contempt

"You did so well Erin. One of the hardest things a survivor needs to do after the assault is to telling their story, and you have shown great courage today. Do you think you can go to the hospital and get a rape kit done"

"What's the point?" Erin said with a shrug "they made me shower... they filmed that too" she spit out in disgust. She could still feel their hands on her as the washed her clean, washing away all evidence of the previous hours.

Olivia bit her lip and sent the younger woman a look of compassion "there's always a chance DNA could be found, but it also helps to properly catalog your wounds for evidence. The more we have, the better the case will be" Erin nodded and Olivia called over officer Jeffers to take her to the hospital.

Not long after Erin left, Fin entered Olivia's office. "So what we looking at?" he asked as he stood casually by the door with his hands in his pockets

"A complicated case, with a man who seems to buy debt and sell the victims as temporary sex slaves to pay it off" Olivia informed her long time friend as she gathered the necessary information to send Barba so he could request a warrant "and by the looks of it he's done this before, and will undoubtedly do this again unless we stop him"

 **A/N: wow this was a much longer chapter than I intended it to be haha :) the real fun part, I think, will happen at the end of the next chapter and most certainly the chapter after that will be big in the drama department. Thanks for reading and reviewing, they really make my day.**


	4. Shock

**A/N: Midterms are over, one stress relieving chapter coming up :)**

The warrant finally arrived in the afternoon. Olivia and Fin were on their way to Paul Hoffman's apartment, one of the men who had raped Erin Colton the day before. It had been a hectic, but albeit productive day so far. Despite Olivia's initial concerns, Amanda was holding up well during the course of the day. The SVU Lieutenant had sent Amanda and Carisi back into the field once they had finished their interview with another one of their victims. The case they were currently working on needed a lot of leg work, and Olivia had instructed Carisi to keep an eye on the blonde as well as to look out for the man that had startled her at the bar.

"Sometimes I wonder if I chose the wrong profession" Fin mumbled as they pulled up to an expensive apartment building. The building was in the richer part of town, no surprise considering that their man was able to buy a sex slave for a few hours like it was a normal weekend activity.

"You'd die if you lived next to these high maintenance people every day, or more likely you'd kill your neighbor the moment they complained about your taste in clothes and music" Olivia said as she stepped out of the car, looking up at the impressive building

"What's wrong with my taste in music" Fin responded as he followed the brunette up the steps and entered the lobby

"Nothing" she cast him a glance "it's your taste in clothes that has the problem" she smirked as they finally caught the attention of the front desk clerk behind the counter. Fin returned her smirk with a frown knowing that they had to get down to business now.

"Hello, can I help you" the young man asked with raised eyebrows at the two SVU officers. It was apparent that they did not live there nor could they afford it.

"Yes, we're going up to see one of your tenants" Olivia responded as she flashed her badge and continued walking to the elevator.

"Wait can I ask who you're looking for so I can tell them to expect you?" the young man asked concerned, he knew the residents there didn't like surprises. They paid for the gatekeeping.

"Nah, see we like to surprise our hosts. Lets us find them in their natural states" Fin answered back with a head nod just before the elevator doors closed.

"Really what's wrong with my clothes?" Fin asked defensibly while fixing the material at his collar.

Olivia nearly laughed at how her old friend was concerned about his appearance right before they were going to serve a warrant "nothing" she sighed out as she rolled her eyes.

Olivia and Fin stopped just as they reached the door to Hoffman's apartment. "Do you want to do the honors?" Fin said as he tilted his head towards the door. The brunette pushed past him gently and grabbed the warrant from his hands.

"Paul Hoffman" Olivia shouted as she knocked loudly on the door "NYPD, open up" she commanded. They heard nothing from the other side at first, but suddenly the silence was interrupted by a crashing sound as if someone was trying to rush while grabbing something but slipped.

"Open up" she commanded again. They waited a few more seconds. When nothing happened, Olivia gave Fin the go ahead to kick down the door. They both entered with guns drawn, the strong scent of marijuana shifting through the air. "Stop where you are" Olivia commanded at a slightly chubby man with black hair and olive skin. Fin went to clear the rest of the apartment while the seasoned SVU Lieutenant handled the man in front of her "Paul Hoffman?" she asked and received a nod of confirmation "we have a warrant to search your apartment, and obtain any computers, cameras or other forms of external hard drives"

"Wait, what?" Hoffman stuttered confused "why, it's just a little pot, no need for problems. I have a medical condition?"

Olivia looked the man up and down "I'm sure you do" she said flatly "but we're here for the rape of Erin Colton"

"Rape?" he questioned back surprised "but I didn't... I don't even know a..." his sentence was cut off by Fin.

"Hold it right there" he yelled "I see you, now come on out with your hands up". Olivia looked towards the direction of her partner's voice, waiting to see what the situation was. Moments later a blonde man with green eyes appeared carrying a laptop followed by Fin.

"You?" Olivia stated in surprise. The man before her was the same man that had sent Amanda running only a few short days earlier. Olivia was getting a knot in her stomach as she tried to connect the dots between his appearance here and Amanda's strange behavior from before.

"Do I know you?" the man questioned at her reaction.

"No" Olivia said as she slowly shook her head, she needed to be focused on the present "but what's your name and why are you here?"

The man looked her up and down as if he was contemplating even answering "Corey Dunham" he finally answered "and I'm here visiting a friend, there's nothing illegal about that" he stated back sarcastically.

"We'll see about that" Fin said as he walked past the pair and went to grab the laptop from Corey's hands.

"Hey" he yelled as he tried to pull the device even closer to himself "this is mine, you have no business looking at it"

"Actually we do" Olivia said as she held up the warrant "all computers in the apartment, even yours"

"I'm not going to stand for this" Corey grunted in frustration but released the device "my lawyer will be hearing about this"

"Great, why don't you call him and tell em to meet you down at the station" Fin said as he ushered the men towards the door "we have a few questions for you two that we need answered"

* * *

Back at the station Hoffman and Corey sat in different interrogation rooms. For once Olivia was happy about the large amount of menial tasks her detectives needed to do on a daily basis, for Amanda and Carisi were out of the station at that moment and wouldn't be back for a while. Olivia didn't want Amanda to know that they had Corey in their possession, and she didn't want that man to know this was where she worked, if he already wasn't aware.

"So this is the man that caused Rollins to bail on us" Fin stated darkly as he looked through the two way mirror in Olivia's office "let me talk to him"

"No, Fin" Olivia answered him quickly "we can't let him know about us and Amanda having a connection, he could taint our whole case if he thinks we're targeting him on her behalf"

"But why would she act like that over this guy? Is he involved in our rape case or is this just a strange coincidence?" Fin shook his head in contemplation "I just don't understand it, and it bugs me when I think about Manda being in danger"

"I think I know how they may be connected" Olivia offered from her computer screen "the fingerprints came back for Dunham, he's a known bookie" she deadpanned as she sent Fin a look.

"A bookie" he repeated "but she said she hasn't gambled... I know she hasn't" Fin was quick to come to his partner's aid

"I think so too" Olivia agreed "but the debt an addict builds up doesn't go away so easily, she's never told us how much she was in the whole last time"

"That doesn't matter, he's here" he looked at the calm man in the interrogation room as he waited for his lawyer "... they're here" indicating Hoffman as well "and if we can nail them to this rape then that's one less thing Manda has to worry about"

"One thing at a time, Fin" Olivia said as she leaned forward on her desk "I want to see what's on that laptop of his before we interview them. If we're lucky then maybe that film that Erin said they made of the attack is on there. It could lead us to the third rapist and solidly put them away"

As if on cue a knock on the door caused both SVU officers attention to be drawn away from their conversation "excuse me?" it was officer Jeffers again "TARU finished going through the laptop and sent us a copy of its drive" he said as he handed Olivia a flash drive. She thanked the officer and excused him.

Olivia wasted no time in looking through the new evidence that was just delivered. TARU had brought out certain files of interest to the forefront to make things easier for them. One of the early links was a large folder containing many different files with women's names on them and dates. A Library of video collections. "Here we are" Olivia observed as she noticed a file with Erin's name on it.

When she clicked on it several videos came up each about two hours long. One for each attacker, Olivia assumed. She clicked on the first one and a video of Erin hanging from the roof came on. The man standing in front of her was none other than Corey Dunham. He introduced himself as the facilitator and explained why she was there, to pay off her husband's gambling debt with her body. Olivia stopped the video right as he began tearing at Erin's clothes, she didn't need to see the rape, at least not at that moment. She also couldn't stand the sound of the young woman begging him to stop, to let her go. Her pleading was starting to reminder her of her time with Lewis.

"Oh my God" Fin stated in surprise "is it really this easy?" he asked the rhetorical question "idiot films himself raping a woman with no mask, even gives a dialogue for his motive" Fin shakes his head as he looked over to the calm man in the integration room "I love it when they make our job simple"

"Don't get too cocky Fin" Olivia chided "the case is not closed yet". Yes, the evidence was as clear as day, but in her experience, scum such as these men usually had a plan B. She just needed to figure out what it was first.

"I'm just happy we have the guy in custody" Fin said as he leaned against the two-way mirror, his back facing the glass "if this is what he does to collect his debt, I'm glad that we got to him before he got to Manda" Fin said as he had to physically shake away the image of this man tying up his partner from his head. The thought making him want to simultaneously hurt the man behind him and throw up his lunch. He didn't even want to think what he would do if that man ever laid a hand on his partner, all he knew for certain was that the law wouldn't approve.

"Oh my God!" Olivia yelled

Fin glanced over at his longtime friend to see her face depicting pure shock and horror as her hand moved to cover her mouth. "Liv, what's wrong?" he asked in concern as he ran to her side.

"Her... her name. It's already here" Olivia said with great difficulty. Her chest tightening as she tried to control her breathing "he already has a completed file on Amanda"

 **A/N: so some people guessed very close, but no one picked up on the fact that it was a past debt she had already paid as the reason Amanda was so afraid of this man. There was a very small hint in chapter two about this, the part where she whispered the truth to Carisi. Next chapter is going to be fun, well not for Fin, Olivia and Amanda :) thanks for reading and the reviews. I guess this wasn't as predictable as I initially thought, or maybe not? Did anyone see that coming, I really want to know. Thanks again.**


	5. Breaking Down

**A/N: Major Trigger Warnings, so reader discretion be advised.**

"That can't be right" Fin said in horror as he crouched down next to Olivia to see the computer screen for himself. There, without a doubt, was Amanda's name with a date almost two years old "look it can't be her" he said pointing to the date "she wouldn't have been able to hide this from us for so long" he finished, still in disbelief over the situation.

"Fin" Olivia whispered as she shook her head sadly "you know her, she doesn't ask for help, she never even told anyone what her old Deputy Chief did to her until the case with Taymor came up. Then after the fact, she almost refuses to discuss that it ever happened. Her defense mechanisms are impressive, and in the end I think that's what ends up hurting her the most"

"No" Fin said, adamantly believing this was some sort of mistake. He didn't want to imagine the fact that Amanda could have been used like their other victim Erin Colton.

Knowing that her longtime friend wouldn't budge without further proof, Olivia hesitantly clicked on the file. Quickly a list of six video's appeared, each at least two hours long. She clicked on the first link and both Fin and Olivia let out a collective gasp "Oh my God!" she was finally able to whisper as she saw her youngest detective hanging with her wrists above her head as her feet barely reached the floor.

Corey Dunham sent a smirk towards the camera before he approached Amanda's bound form. "Amanda Rollins" he said in a loud and condescending tone "I must say that it is such a pleasure to meet you" he made no secret that he was checking out her body.

"You're an idiot for taking me" Amanda yelled at the man "I'm a cop, my coworkers will come looking for me..."

"Will they, now?" Corey interrupted her with a large and fake frown "as my sources have it, you have the weekend off. Better yet, your whole squad is more concerned about saving the shield of your Sergeant, what was her name again..." he paused as he ran his hand on his chin "oh ya, Olivia Benson. The poor woman who was kidnapped, not once but twice, by a psychopath. Heard the poor woman was assaulted and tortured"

Olivia and Fin shared a look with each other. If that was the case, Amanda was attacked when Olivia was almost indicted by the grand jury for Lewis' death. Amanda's voice once again brought their attention back to the screen.

"What do you want?" Amanda asked as she watched the man grab a knife from a nearby table full of unsavory looking toys and items. He twirled the blade easily in his hands.

"What do I want?" he chuckled "well, I'm glad you asked. See, I have a job" Corey threw the knife gently in the air and caught it "I buy people's debt and then make sure they pay it off, I'm a sort of bookie but much more elegant" he chuckled.

"Debt?" Amanda questioned in alarm, knowing that she must be there due to her past gambling "I hardly have any left, not enough to warrant you kidnapping me and I'm not behind in my payments" she argued. Most of her debt was indeed paid off after the sting she worked with Lieutenant Murphy, and anything earlier was close to nothing by then.

"Yes you're right for the most part, but I also acquired another person's debt that you have a responsibility for" he said easily causing Amanda's face to scrunch up in confusion. Corey saw her lost look and explained "see, I found out gambling runs in your family, your father? Correct" he asked as if he didn't already know.

"He has nothing to do with me" Amanda was quick to spit out, angry that a man she hasn't seen since childhood was causing her trouble now "He could be dead for all I know. I haven't seen him in years"

"Well no one has darling, he may already be dead, but that doesn't relieve the debt. Someone has to pay so it was either going to be your mother" he said as he held out one finger as if he was counting "but she wouldn't work well for my purposes, too old" he said with a shrug, then he lifted his second finger "or your little sister, but she's on the run from the police and extremely hard to find. So that just left you, the other gambling addict in the family"

"You can't do this" Amanda protested "if you hurt me then you'll never see that money and you'll go down for injuring an officer"

"Oh, I have no intention of hurting you" he said with a smile but paused and then chuckled "well too bad anyway. No, what I do is different from other bookies. What I am is a facilitator. I find bidders who are willing to buy you for a small amount of time, they do whatever they want, within reason of course, and then I collect the money and you get to go home debt free and honestly no worse for the ware" he stated as if he was doing her a favor by kidnapping her and selling her to the highest bidder "oh and don't worry, there are rules, no permanent damage will be done to you"

"No" Amanda said defiantly "I won't let you..." she was cut off again by Corey.

"You won't let me" he repeated with a laugh "look at your situation, you're helpless"

Amanda pulled at her restraints for nearly the twentieth time since she first woke up hanging from a wall in some abandoned warehouse "all this for money?" she questioned

"Yes" he answered matter of factly "but also for something more" he said as he walked up to Amanda, he gently ran his hand along her face "when they look as good as you, I get to have a turn as well. In fact, you will be servicing four other men besides myself. I'm going first followed by two others today and then tomorrow two more with me rounding it all out again" Amanda flinched at his touch and tried to pull away but he held her chin firmly "it's going to be fun" he whispered "and it won't be too bad, two hours max each time and you'll get to have an hour break in between each session to rest. You see I'm not an unreasonable man, and when it's all done you can go home and pretend that this never happened"

"You're a fool if you think you're going to get away with this" Amanda responded "I'm a sex crimes detective, I'll get you, my team will get you"

"No they won't" he yelled as he brought his face closer to hers "I research all of my targets thoroughly and I know you won't talk" he looked her dead in the eye and then ran his hand down to her chest. He slowly began to cut away her blouse with the knife he held. Amanda protested but was otherwise helpless to stop him from removing her clothes. He stopped when she only had her bra and panties left covering her. "You're so beautiful" he taunted as he leered at her.

"Why do you think they won't do anything, that I won't do anything" Amanda questioned, she wanted to keep him talking, still holding onto hope that somebody would come for her in time. The man was too confident for her liking, however, and she knew deep down that she wouldn't get out of this situation before he had his way with her.

"Because this is your last chance" Corey explained "right now your Sergeant if fighting for her shield, a true victim who sacrificed herself to save a child. Your team is trying their hardest to be there for her, someone who deserves their pity. You, on the other hand" his tone went from sincerity to condescending "you deserve this, you put yourself here by your addiction. You lost your team's trust. Your Sergeant, the same one who just went through a traumatic event, said she would fire your ass if you messed up again. It wouldn't be such a leap to assume that you're here because you relapsed. After all of your chances, do you really think they would stand up for you? The pathetic cop from Atlanta who slept her way to this transfer in New York"

"I... I didn't" Amanda stuttered out, she was forcing back her panic at the situation she was in and the painful words he was telling her. He was right, she was on her last chance, Benson had said point blank that another slip-up and she would be gone.

"The truth doesn't matter Amanda, action does" he laughed "and right now the only action your team is taking is to protect Benson from an unfortunate misunderstanding, you do not matter, not to me, not to your family, and especially not to the SVU" he finished as he cut off her bra and then placed the knife back on the table and returned to her side. He placed his hands at her hips and he pulled her closer to him. An alarm went off no his phone "great timing" he said as he turned it off "I need to get started if we want to keep on schedule, we have a very busy two days ahead of us" he finished as he snaked his hand under her underwear. Amanda tried to thrash away from him, but he held firmly onto her. "Fight all you want honey, it only turns me on" he laughed as he finally tore off her remaining piece of clothing "but be careful I like it rough and the harder you make it for me the rougher I get with you, oh and before I forget, you should call in sick from work on Monday, I said no major damage... but you'll be sore"

"Stop..." Amanda was able to muffle out as he continued his attack, desperately trying to fight him off "please... stop... st..." her voice was cut off as Olivia shut the video down. She couldn't stand to watch, let alone hear any more of it. She and Fin had just watched the brutal assault of their youngest detective, and it broke their hearts.

"Oh my God" Olivia whispered still shocked at what she had just seen "he... he... she was..." she couldn't form any coherent sentences.

"He raped her!" Fin yelled as he backed away from his oldest friend "he fucking raped her" anger was coursing through his veins "he convinced her that we didn't care, that she deserved what she got" he yelled as he turned and punched the wall by the glass window "dammit" he punched it again "dammit" and again.

"Fin stop" Olivia rushed to his side, to calm him down

"Did he stop! No, he attacked her and kept going!" blood was starting to trickle down from his knuckles "she was begging him, Liv, begging him to stop"

"This isn't helping Fin, you need to calm down" Olivia tried to get his focus off of his anger. She felt it too, but she knew that hurting herself wouldn't change the fact that one of their own was a victim to a horrendous assault and that nobody even knew that it had happened. For two years Amanda suffered with this alone, and it was killing Liv, not just that it had happened, but she as a trained SVU detective had never noticed anything. There were signs, now looking back, changes in behavior, well-hidden panic attacks. She had noticed but never approached Amanda about them. After the incident with Patton, Olivia simply assumed that her behavior was explained by their past interactions.

"You're right Liv, this won't help Manda" Fin said in an eerily calm voice. He turned his attention to the man in the interrogation room, eyes full of rage he took a step forward "I'm going to kill that fucking bastard!" he grumbled darkly "I'll make him beg for mercy just like he made her, and I'll deny him all the same"

"No Fin" Olivia put herself in between the dark-skinned detective and the man she herself wanted to tear limb from limb "it would kill Amanda if you went to jail because you hurt him, you would only be hurting her further"

He stopped at this "but..." he took a deep breath "he... God, Liv, five men. Five fucking men raped her, and I didn't know. They used her as a sex slave, like she was a toy for their enjoyment. All this Right under my nose! She's my partner, and I couldn't protect her... why couldn't I protect her" he whispered out as tears streamed down his face, the revelation finally sinking in. Olivia was heart broken, in all her time working with the older man, she had never seen him break down like this. "I promised her after her old bookie attacked her that I would never let that happen again" he clutched his still bleeding hand to his chest and leaned heavily against the wall for support. Olivia quickly took out the first aid kit from her desk drawer and began to wrap his knuckles "I failed her... and I didn't even notice"

"None of us did" Olivia answered with tears of her own. She felt doubly responsible. She was the one that threatened Amanda that her next mistake would be her last. It was her incident with Lewis that allowed the team to be so focused on her to ignore the pain and trouble Rollins was going through. Olivia had always prided herself with being able to connect and identify with victims, but she was never able to do that with Amanda. She always blamed the blonde for everything without looking deeper to even attempt to find any underlying cause. If only she wasn't always so hard on the younger woman, then maybe Amanda may have went to them for help instead of silently suffering by herself for the last few years.

"I know when this happened" Fin said softly once Olivia was done with his hand "after you were acquitted of all charges and given some time off, Amanda also called in sick... for three days" he bit his lip in frustration at his own stupidity in the past, he believed he should have known better "I went to visit her... she looked like Hell. I never seen her that bad before, she was pale and worn. She didn't want me anywhere near her. I just thought she caught a really bad bug, but it had to have been this" he waved his hand at the man in the interrogation room "why? Why her?"

"Why anyone" Olivia answered "but what happened has happened, we can't change that. We can only focus on what can be done now"

"And what would that be?" Fin questioned

"Sending this bastard to the deepest and darkest prison hell hole possible" Olivia said with fire in her eyes "but first, we need to talk with Amanda"

 **A/N: This was kind of a hard chapter to write because I made Fin very emotional and I usually see him as the most grounded person in the unit, but in this case it only made sense for him to be on an emotional roller-coaster ride. The next chapter will probably be much shorter than usual because I stopped earlier than I expected, but otherwise this chapter would have been too bogged down with detail. Thanks for reading :) and double thanks for the reviews, they always encourage me to keep going with a story! Oh and Happy Halloween :)**


	6. Reach

**A/N: So this chapter would have been up much faster if it wasn't for that incredible final game in the World Series, a hard fought battle by both teams :) If I was ever to write a story of Rollins relapsing in gambling, this World Series would be my choice of her bets, she would be dying the whole time lol... now on to the story.**

Amanda and Carisi walked into the bullpen exhausted. It had been a long day of running tedious errands and chasing down leads. Fortunately however, the duo had caught a break and found a security camera perched from a neighbors windowsill that caught the beginning of the attack. With luck they could soon identify their perp.

"I'm going to tell Benson what we found" Amanda said to Carisi as the Italian detective sat roughly at his desk, falling back into the chair causing it to roll backwards "hopefully we can head home after, days like today make me long for a nice long bath with a glass of wine" she began heading towards her Lieutenant's office.

"That sounds nice" Carisi stated back "but not the bath and wine part, beer for me over wine any day"

"You know Carisi you should try to expand your types of drinks" the blonde detective retorted as she turned to face him "There's more out there than simply beer"

"Yah?" Carisi answered back, with raised eyebrows "I can say the same for you Rollins, you should try to cook more than just the five dishes you know"

Amanda rolled her eyes at the other detective "then what would I need you for?" she responded referring to all the meals he had cooked her and Jesse since her daughter had come home from the hospital. He always complained that she needed to eat better so she could have the energy to work this job and raise Jesse. She wasn't convinced however, because she could still run circles around the male detective, he had nothing on her when it came to cardio and endurance.

Hearing a chuckle from her partner she turned and once again headed towards Olivia's office. She knocked on the closed door and waited for a response, it was quick and almost strained. She slowly opened the door, just barely peeking her head through. She could vaguely see her partner, Fin, sitting on the couch to her left with her peripheral vision "hey just wanted to let you know that we found video of the attack, TARU is going over the footage now and says they will have it for us first thing in the morning. Seeing that it's late, me and Carisi were going to head out... if you didn't need anything" Amanda added on as she felt the tense atmosphere in the room. Her body was refusing to face her partner, she felt skittish, as if something she didn't want to happen would if she looked his way. Looking at Olivia, however, wasn't any better. The look on her face was very troubling, and the blonde feared that she had somehow managed to royally screw up again.

"Good job, Rollins, but hold on we need to talk" Olivia said as she nodded her head solemnly. The brunette took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, she needed to prepare herself mentally for what she needed to do. In all her years of knowing the young blonde one thing was for certain, she hated having people pity her or feeling sorry for her. She also had trust issues. All in all, Olivia knew this wasn't going to be easy.

"Um..." Amanda began as she opened the door wider but still remained at the entryway, she had a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach "alright, what do you need?"

"Please come in and shut the door, and take a seat" Olivia finished waving her hand to one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"I'm okay with standing" Amanda answered as she entered and closed the door behind her. She stayed near it and held onto the doorknob. Her fight or flight instincts were kicking in, even though she had no idea why, and her body was telling her to run. As if it could sense that a predator was near.

Olivia allowed Amanda to stay standing, she did not want to make her feel cornered. The least she could do was give the younger woman some resemblance of control over what was going to happen. The SVU Lieutenant thought for a second on how to breach the topic "Amanda, earlier today me and Fin came across some terrible news"

For the first time since entering the room Amanda looked at her partner. He was bent forward on the couch, his forearms resting on his legs as his head was hung low. He turned to keep his head away from Amanda, the evidence of his earlier emotional breakdown still on his face. He didn't want to let her see him like that, he wanted to be her rock, she didn't need to worry about him.

"Fin?" Amanda question, traces of concern laced in her voice. "Oh my God" she said as she finally took a good look at him and noticed the bandage covering his knuckles "what happened to your hand?" she took another step towards him and then discovered his tear stained face. "Fin?" she questioned again "is Ken alright?" she asked worrying for her partner's only son. He was the only person she could think of that he would cry for.

"Ken's fine Manda, this... this doesn't have anything to do with me" Fin was able to say in a somewhat steady voice.

Amanda looked back at Olivia confusion playing on her face. She had never seen Fin like that before and it terrified her, and Olivia was acting strangely as well. Anger was starting to bubble within the young blonde, it was one of her many defense mechanisms. "What's going on guys..." she waved her hands in frustration. She took a step towards Benson's desk and grabbed a hold of the back of the chair in front of her "stop beating around the bush and..." Amanda froze. Her gaze finally made it to the two way mirror that faced the interrogation room Corey Dunham was being held in. She felt her heart stop as her legs went weak, the only thing that kept her from falling was the death grip she had on the seat before her "wh... what" she panted out as her breathing became more erratic.

"Amanda" Olivia said as she rose from her chair and approached the young blonde detective. She was concerned at how pale she had instantly become and especially how she swayed unsteadily on her feet "please sit down" the elder woman reached out a hand in comfort to the frozen detective before her, but it was quickly swatted away.

"Don't" Amanda nearly yelled "don't... don't touch me" she was able to finally say. Her gaze refusing to move from the individual in the other room. The man who sat their confidently talking with his lawyer "what the hell is going on?" she asked still hoping beyond reason that her secrets were still safe and hidden in the dark dungeon she had left them in. Her mind cruelly bringing her back to that horrible place, images and feeling flooding her.

"Amanda" Olivia began again, in a gentle tone. The elder woman waited for some sort of response that would have indicated that the younger woman had heard her, but the blonde's eyes never moved from her past attacker. Amanda seemed to have become paralyzed in her stance. Her breathing was still erratic and a cold sweat was starting to form on her skin "don't look at him" Olivia said as she stepped in between the interrogation room window and the younger detective. Amanda's eyes once again focused on her Lieutenant.

"Benson..." Amanda was able to finally answer as clarity began to reappear in her eyes "why is he here" she asked as she tried to raise her hand at the man, but couldn't move or else risk losing her already unsteady balance from the chair.

"We caught a case Manda" Fin finally spoke up again, lifting his head to speak with his partner. Amanda slowly turned her head to face him "early this morning, a woman came in claiming to have been raped by her husband's bookie. She said he sold her for a few hours to two guys and video taped the assault" Amanda's heat dropped. They knew, she thought to herself, and this terrified her more than seeing that man again "she led us to one of her assailants and we found that piece of crap with him, and his laptop full of video's. All with similar Mos"

"No..." Amanda whispered. She could see the tears falling from Fin's face again and it was destroying her "please no, just stop... I can't take this" her hand moved to her mouth to try and hold in the sobs that were threatening to rip through her whole body.

"Your name" Olivia, cut in. Amanda's visceral pain had caused Fin to become unable to finish the tale "we found it on his hard drive, we saw the vide..."

Amanda cut her off with a scream "you saw!" her panic finally breaching through all of her defenses "oh, my God... oh, my God" she said as she began to pace the room in a frantic speed. She felt like she was going to pass out if she didn't start doing something.

"We saw only the introduction, when he explained what he was going to do to you..." Olivia rushed to explain in an attempt to placate her distraught detective "when he actually began ra..." she swallowed hard. It was difficult to face the fact that one of her detectives, people she was responsible for, had been so brutally attacked right under her nose and she didn't know for years. "We couldn't take it so... we stopped it" she finished as a new tear fell from her eye. Olivia felt deep shame, she couldn't handle this in her usual professional manner, she was far too emotional for her own liking.

"Then delete it" Amanda said as she stopped pacing to face them with an eerily calm voice "delete it and forget what you saw"

"Manda" Fin said as he rose from his position on the couch, he was going to take a step towards her but the sudden renewed fear in her eyes stopped him. He didn't want her afraid of him, he didn't want her to think they were trapping her "we can't do that, we can't ignore what he did to you" Fin tried to explain.

"Yes you can" Amanda said as she shook her head in frustration "you said there was someone else, get her to take him down... it doesn't matter in all of this... I'm not worth the effort" she whispered and turned her back to them.

"Amanda!" Olivia said shocked "how could you say that..."

"Because it's true, Liv, I did it to myself. I should have never..." Amanda said before being cut off

"He should have never touched you!" Fin yelled, causing Amanda to visibly jump "I will not stand here and listen to you blame yourself for this Amanda. I won't let him win. You did nothing wrong, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed over, and if you say the word I'll kill him. I'll make him suffer the way he made you"

"Fin!" Olivia warned, but he didn't listen

"I don't care about the consequences baby girl. You're my partner and I'll gladly take a bullet for you, I'd go to prison for you, if only it would make you understand that you matter. You matter to me, to Liv, to Carisi... hell to all of NYPD" Fin finished as he walked slowly to his partner and enveloped her in a hug. At first she flinched and tried to get away, but she eventually relented and curled her fingers into his shirt.

Amanda stood crying into his shirt for several moments but then started to shake her head no. She pulled away from his grasp "I... I can't do this" she said as she backed herself to the door "I can't face him, I can't put ya'll through this, I can't let everyone know what I did" as she said this, Olivia realized that she still blamed herself. Fin's words hadn't reached her completely. The younger woman then turned and ran through the door the moment it was open.

"Amanda" Olivia yelled as she saw the blonde's retreating form disappear

"What do we do? Go after her?" Fin questioned. He didn't want Amanda alone in the state she was in.

"No" Olivia said as she shook her head "she needs some time to process this by herself. I'll drop by later tonight to see..."

"I'll come with you" Fin interjected

"No, we can't overwhelm her again" Olivia answered back "besides, I should do this alone... at least I can understand more of what she's been through with my own experiences" she finished alluding to Lewis.

At that moment Carisi burst in "what happened to Rollins?" he questioned with a frantic look on his face "I saw her run out crying and when I tried to stop her she yelled for me to stay away?"

Olivia took another deep breath. It wasn't going to be easy, but he needed to know what was going on too.

* * *

After explaining everything to Carisi, and waiting for the Italian detective to calm down, the SVU squad determined it was time to start taking action against Corey Dunham. Olivia decided that she'd be the one to take the interview with Carisi at her side seeing that Fin had threatened to kill the man twice now. The elder woman had even contemplated removing him from the case completely, but decided against it out of fear that it would only cause him to act out even more.

"About fucking time" Corey said as Olivia and Carisi entered the interrogation room "what have you pigs been doing?"

"Shifting through all the evidence of rape we collected from your laptop" Carisi said coldly as he sat down.

"Hold on, there was never any rape" Corey's lawyer said as he leaned forward in his chair.

"Really now" Olivia questioned in an almost shocked manner "then what do you call all of those video's we have on your laptop, of where you explicitly stated that this was because they owed a debt and that they'd pay it off with their bodies"

"That's just good old fashion homemade porn" Corey said with a wide grin. "See, I'm an armature producer for a private online site, I even have a license to produce and distribute it at a profit" he said smugly "as to why they're all so similar in plot... well lets just say my clientele have a very specific fetish"

Olivia and Carisi were shocked at this statement, they needed to research his claims to determine if they were accurate or not. If they were it could make the case more difficult "what about Erin Colton then, the woman who you just filmed this last weekend" Olivia questioned "she claims that you raped her"

"That woman" he laughed "we had a dispute this morning about her cut of the profits" he explained "she's one of the few women I've hired to film that actually had extensive experience with making porn"

Again, Carisi and Olivia were taken aback by this "are you telling me that Mrs Colton, is a pron star?" Carisi questioned

"Of course, I usually don't use them because they cause problems like this when they want more money" he said as he waved around the room "but if you don't believe me..." he took a pen and paper from his lawyer and scribbled down a website address "here, this site has many of her videos" Olivia took the paper from him. She looked at it as if it were about to come alive and bite her.

"So as you can see this has all been some big misunderstanding" Corey's lawyer said "I expect that all charges are to be dropped"

"Not so fast councilor" Olivia interjected "we still have other women that claim that your client raped them"

"Other woman?" Corey questioned "tell me their name and I'll tell you the true story"

"You'll find out soon enough" Carisi said to sidestep that question, he didn't want to reveal Amanda's name to this man before they could talk to her again.

"Hmmm" Corey thought "I bet it's that whore who works here, she probably told you she didn't want it" he stated, he knew where Amanda worked, like he said before he researched all of his stars. He also knew that her file was on his laptop and was probably already seen by them "she came to me, begging me for money to pay off her debts and her father's. That poor family has it bad, gambleholics they are" he shook his head in a poor attempt to show empathy for the young detective. This gesture only enraged Olivia and Carisi even more and it especially bothered Fin who watched from Olivia's office "but did you see the quality performance she had, man that woman is talented. One of my best sellers. I know your department looks down on what she did, if you lot can her, tell her she always has a place with me and my production team. In fact I've been getting requests for a sequel for her" he stated with a devious smile "maybe in the forest tied to a tree, a nice southern girl like that..."

Olivia had enough and abruptly stood up at that point "well that's never going to happen, because we are charging you with the rape of Erin Colton and Amanda Rollins, among others" she said as Carisi stood as well and grabbed his handcuffs, he began to read him his rights.

"You are just rushing to judgment" Corey said as he placed his hands behind his back. He was not worried at all, he believed that he had enough on every one of his victims to discredit them in front of even the most sympathetic juries. "Most of those videos were filmed outside of New York, you have no jurisdiction there"

"I'll have you out before lunch tomorrow Mr. Dunham" his lawyer said. They would have to wait that long just to have the arraignment and post bail. Olivia internally cringed at this statement, for Amanda's sake she knew Barba would work hard to ensure that it wouldn't happen.

 **A/N: Funny that I said that this would be a shorter than usual chapter but instead it turned out to be longer than usual :) This will definitely be an uphill battle for all sides concerned. Next chapter we're going to find out how Amanda decided to manage her panic attack, and what she used to cope, as you all can probably guess it's not going to be the best choice she could have made. Thanks for reading :) and thanks most definitely for all of the lovely reviews.**


	7. Scars

**A/N: I know it's been too long since my last update, school really beat me down these last few days but it is my first and top priority. Any how I'm back and ready to write :)**

Olivia sat back in her chair with an irritated sigh. She slowly removed her glasses from her face and rubbed her tired and strained eyes. "I take it his story checked out" Fin said from the doorway as he watched his long time friend digest the information she had just confirmed.

With another sigh the brunette nodded her head "so far Corey seems to have been telling the truth" she placed her glasses back in their case and shut down her computer "he does have a license to produce porn for online distribution only, even if I do think the circumstances surrounding his license are shady, it will hold up in court" Olivia finished as she bit her lip and started to rub circles around her temples to ward off the migraine that was starting to form.

"What about Erin Colton?" Fin asked, remembering what Corey had accused her off.

"Yes again" She answered bitterly "it turns out our vic had a very colorful resume on that site he gave us. There is no disputing that she had done adult films before... with consent" Olivia added thinking about their current case

"That doesn't mean that she's lying now" Fin said in haste as he clenched his fists in anger, not caring about the pain his injured knuckles were causing him. "That bastard was lying through his teeth... what he said about Manda... that's not true" he stated as his frustration at how messy this case was becoming by the minute showed itself once again "you saw what he did to her... what they did..." he was starting to lose focus as the images from that small portion of Amanda's video played through his mind for the hundredth time since he had seen it earlier that day.

"Fin" Olivia interrupted him. She could tell that her old friend was starting to lose it again and she didn't want to risk him having another break down. "I know" she said loudly "this man is a creep, no a monster, and he deserves to suffer 100 times more than what he has done to Amanda and all of those other women. I don't buy what he said but we have to recognize that this information doesn't help our case at all" she finished quickly as she rose from her seat, arms resting on her desk as she leaned over it. She was also frustrated at the situation they had found themselves in, but that was just the tip of the iceberg of her emotions. To say she was angry would be stating her emotions in too simple of terms. Olivia was also distraught over the pain Amanda went through, and she was blaming herself for helping to cause it.

She couldn't help but to think that if she didn't push Amanda so hard she could have came to her earlier, perhaps even before she relapsed in the first place. She remembered that early on in Amanda's time at the one six she tried to reach out in friendship, but Olivia had been in such a bad place since Elliot left that she was bitter and refused. Regardless of that, Olivia blamed herself for how she handled the aftermath of the incident with Lieutenant Murphy. Instead of trying to understand Amanda she threatened her. Made it impossible for her to even ask for help in this situation with Corey. In Olivia's view this was all her fault. The team was simply too focused on her pain to even notice Amanda's own personal suffering.

But, Olivia would ignore her no longer. With another deep breath to calm herself down she spoke again "I'm going to head to Amanda's now" she gathered her belonging and walked towards Fin "please go home and get some rest, this case needs us at our best Fin"

"You don't have to tell me that" the dark skinned detective answered her "but are you sure you don't want me to go, I'm her partner. She has the best relationship with me"

Olivia shook her head "that would probably only make it harder for her to talk to you in the first place, Fin your guilt is radiating off you. It would only hurt her more"

"I can say the same about you" Fin said in response. Olivia smiled softly at this. Fin had always been able to read her emotions easily.

"Yes, but I think I need to do this" Olivia said as she walked past her old friend "for her sake and for mine"

* * *

Amanda sat at her kitchen counter, with several bottles of hard liquor in front of her, staring off into the void of the New York skyline through her window. She didn't care what brand or type of alcohol she was pouring down her throat, she didn't care how she would feel in the morning. All she wanted was to just disappear, but since she knew that wouldn't happen she tried to make her memories disappear instead. The memories of that horrible night almost two years ago and the terrible past few days that have caused her to relive a trauma she so desperately had tried to bury.

The blonde detective had just finished pouring herself a new glass when she looked at the door her baby was behind sleeping peacefully. She almost smirked to herself when she remembered how her sitter could tell she was distraught and asked if she was needed to stay the night. Amanda hated it when people thought she couldn't care for herself or Jesse. She wasn't going to hurt herself or her daughter, she wasn't going to do anything stupid, as long as you didn't count drinking yourself into a coma stupid.

Amanda took a gulp of the strong liquid and felt the burn it caused in her throat, the stinging pain and the numbing of her thoughts wasn't doing the job as good as she hopped it would. She still felt the shame, the guilt, and the embarrassment. She laid her head in one of her hands as she continued to sip her drink. She stayed like that until a gentle knock at the door caused her to stand up.

The room span circles around her as she clumsily made her way to the door. "Benji" she drunkenly said as she reached the door "I didn't order Chinese tonight..." she started as she opened the small barrier to her apartment and then stopped "I didn't order my boss either" she finished as she found Olivia standing in the hallway.

Olivia looked surprised as the door opened, but she quickly hid it. She wasn't all that shocked that Amanda had decided to get drunk, no what shocked her was the degree in which the young blonde was drunk. That coupled by the lack of clothing the other woman was wearing told the elder woman that her detective was in extreme amounts of emotional pain, and she wasn't handling it well.

As soon as Amanda had come home, and sent the sitter away, she ditched all of her clothes save for her undergarments because she felt like the tight materials were suffocating her. Feeling any sort of restrictions in her movements, even those caused by normal clothing, sent flares of panic across her skin. She only put on a thin silk robe, which was a size too large for her small frame, as an afterthought and she never even bothered to tie it, causing it to still hang open as she faced her boss at the door.

"Amanda" Olivia started gently "I just wanted to stop by and see if..."

"I'm doing just fine" the younger woman cut her off harshly "so you can just go home" she finished as she turned around, but since she forgot to close the door behind her Olivia took that as an invitation to come inside. Olivia watched as Amanda walked unsteadily to the kitchen counter to retrieve her drink, but not before adding some more liquor to it. "If you're going to be here anyway you might as well drink something too" Amanda said bitterly as her southern hospitality was coming out in a crude way. "What do you really want Liv?" She finally asked as she stood in the center of her living room facing the older woman, one hand on her waist as the other held the drink to her lips making her look angry and vulnerable at the same time.

"I really am just concerned about you Amanda..." Olivia began but did not get far before she was once again cut off

"Well don't be" Amanda harshly spoke again "I'm doing just fine like I always am"

"You can't pretend like nothing's wrong Amanda" Olivia responded to her detective's obvious lie "you're in pain, it's obvious to anyone who see's you"

"I'm only doing what I have to do to survive Liv, that's all that I've ever done" Amanda bit back in anger "and if you can't stand to see this" she waved to her half dressed and drunken body "then just leave, I'm not going to hurt myself so you don't have to worry about your own conscience, besides I've been dealing like this just fine for the last two years... why should I change now"

Olivia paused for a moment. Amanda recognized that she was there because she felt guilty and that hurt the elder woman even more. She did care about Amanda, but she couldn't pretend that she wasn't trying to assuage her own sorrows at the same time. Olivia took a deep breath "the fact that your drinking like this..." she waved to all the bottles on the counter "you are hurting yourself Amanda, and I won't let you endanger your own life or punish yourself for something that wasn't your fault" she finished with a stern but compassionate look. "And I'm so sorry Amanda that I never noticed this before, that I put you in a position that caused you to be used and abused like you were" she swallowed hard as fleeting images from the video passed before her eyes "that's something that I'll have to deal with, but you..." she paused and took a step closer to Amanda but stopped as she noticed the younger woman also took a step back to keep the distance "you need to understand that you're not alone anymore. We're not judging you on what happened, we don't blame you. We care about you"

Amanda's face fell at her boss's words. Words that she never thought she would hear her idol say. Her hopes of having any sort of friendly relationship with her longtime role model were squashed when she first transferred and received the cold shoulder from the older woman. "You're only saying that because you don't understand, you haven't watched all of the videos yet have you?" she asked in a timid voice,

"No, I haven't..." she was going to explain she didn't have the strength to watch them yet, but Olivia didn't want to make this about her "we haven't gotten to that point yet"

"Then once you do you'll see that I can't fight him" Amanda said sadly

"Why?" Olivia asked "what happened to make you think you can't fight him"

"I..." she began but paused to finish her drink and throw the glass on the couch "I gave up" she said with shame "after the first guy I just did what they told me, I said what they wanted me to say. I acted like..." she couldn't keep talking

"Amanda" Olivia said with sorrow "you did what you needed to do, you didn't want to get hurt. That's understandable. No one will think less of you for this"

"I don't want people to know Liv, I can't have the whole city knowing that I was put up for sale. That even a sex crimes detective can be used as a prostitute. I'm a whore Liv, I let them use me for money. I can't go through that again, I just want everything to go back to the way it was before" she finished as she turned her back to Olivia.

The elder woman once again took a step closer "Amanda... you're not a whore, you're not a prostitute. What happened was..." she trailed off as the right side of Amanda's robe fell away and revealed several scars on the young woman's back. "Amanda?" Olivia began as she reached her detective and gently placed a hand on the younger woman's back, gently tracing one of the scars with her finger. Amanda flinched at the contact and Olivia quickly pulled her hand away before she asked her question "what happened to your back?"

Amanda stood there frozen for several more seconds and Olivia had to repeat the question. Slowly the young detective dropped her arms and let her robe fall to the floor leaving her only in her underwear and her back exposed to her boss. The scars were light and were no more than five small to long streaks ,but they crossed her back in sweeping motions "So you really haven't finished them" she said in a flat and disinterested voice, all of the fight seemingly gone from the younger woman. "If you skip to the fourth man, I think it was..." she thought with a shrug as she slowly turned to face Olivia again, the numbness playing on her face "you'll see that he broke the rules, he used a whip. It ended up breaking my skin a few times before that man..."she paused and blinked with almost no emotion left "before the man who set it all up stopped him. He was told to leave and that he would be fined. He then actually bandaged my back" Amanda gave a bitter chuckle "I guess he was honest about the rules part, but it didn't stop him from raping me a second time"

"We'll get him Amanda, we'll get them all" Olivia said as a stray tear fell from her cheek, the pain her youngest detective went through almost becoming unbearable for herself to take. "You don't have to be afraid of him any more" she added as she suddenly recognized that the source of Amanda's reactions were all stemming from guilt and fear "he won't hurt you or anyone else ever again".

Amanda nodded her head as she timidly bit her lip "but I messed up Liv" she said as she wrapped her arms around herself "I messed up big time"

"No you didn't, the debt..." Olivia began but was cut off by Amanda's almost sobbing voice

"I let him continue this because I was so afraid to lose my job" she said as her legs nearly gave out from her drunken emotional state. Acting quickly Olivia was able to guide Amanda to the couch before she could fall "how can I continue to work at the SVU if I let such a violent predator rape another woman"

"You didn't let him rape anyone, you didn't tell him to do anything, you didn't..."

"I didn't report him"

"Yes, you didn't but, Amanda, would you blame any other victim if they were in your shoes?" Olivia asked her. "You as a detective, what would you tell them?"

Amanda took a shaky breath before answering "I would tell them that they are in shock and it's natural to have many emotions after an assault, even if time had passed since. To not blame themselves for the actions of another and that it's never too late to try and get justice for themselves and others"

Olivia nodded her head in agreement "and your case isn't any different. We'll get him and make him pay" she finished as she noticed Amanda nod her head as her eyes began drifting shut, the emotional drain and alcohol finally beating her system. "Why don't we get you to bed, I'll stay the night to watch out for you and Jesse" Olivia offered as she lifted them both up and helped guide Amanda to her room.

"No Liv, go home to Noah" she said in protest trying to wriggle from Olivia's grasp, but in her current state she could hardly walk straight on her own.

"It's alright, I can call Lucy to watch him for the night, it wouldn't be the first time" Olivia said as they finally reached the bed "and besides I can't leave you like this with Jesse. What if she needs you in the middle of the night"

Amanda laid down on her bed but continued to helplessly fight against sleep "she sleeps through the night" she said as she reached a hand towards her daughter's room "Jesse is an angel... I don't know where she gets it from. Not from me that's for sure, but I'm certain not from her father..." Olivia watched as Amanda turned her head to face her once again "sometimes I even forget how she was conceived because of how perfect she is"

Olivia was confused at this statement, and she repeated Amanda's words in her head. It was at that moment that the elder woman realized that she had no idea who Jesse's father was and suddenly the possibilities scared her. "Amanda, is Jesse's father..." she trailed off not wanting her conjecture to be true.

"Yes" Amanda answered her unfinished question "but I've no idea who... but I guess you could say we have a one in five chance of guessing it right"

 **A/N: Again sorry for the delay, and I guess also for this cliff hanger :) but technically it's not one since I alluded to this in the second chapter. Thanks for being patient with me lol, hopefully next time won't be as long in coming.**


	8. Early Morning

**A/N: Yes, again... sorry for the delay. A Happy late ThanksGiving to everyone who celebrates and even for those who don't; never anything wrong with appreciating what you have :)**

"We have a one in five chance of guessing it right"

Those words echoed hauntingly through Olivia's mind as she finished placing her drunk and exhausted subordinate in bed in hope that the young and traumatized mother could find some rest. The thought that Jesse, a lovely and innocent baby, was the product of such a vicious assault pained Olivia to no end. It reminded her of her own situation growing up. Her mother drinking until she would black out. The hurtful comments, the derogatory language, the nights going to bed hungry because the adult in the family couldn't stand up even if her life depended on it let alone properly taking care of a child.

These memories played through the older woman's mind as she exited the bedroom and stood silently in the hallway. Quietly She reached for her cell phone and texted her babysitter. She explained that she had a work emergency and wouldn't be making it home that night. The response was instant, and the young sitter expressed her sympathies for the elder woman and explained that she was happy to care for Noah over the night.

After the call, Olivia leaned against the wall to ponder the situation her youngest detective had found herself in. On a sudden impulse, she gently opened the door to Jesse's room and quietly walked inside until she stood over the crib. She couldn't help the smile that formed on her face as she watched the beautiful infant silently sleeping.

Amanda was right. Jesse was an angel.

Olivia continued to stand watch over the slumbering child as she compared her life to the possible future of Jesse. Her heart sank at the pattern of similarity that was already forming. The love Amanda had for her baby was unquestionable, and Olivia was sure that the young blonde wouldn't shun Jesse as her own mother had shunned her.

The drinking, however, caused a great deal of concern for the brunette. With gambling out of the question, Amanda turned to the bottle to handle her demons or more like avoid them. This was the same path her own mother had followed and Olivia was terrified of the possible implications this could have for the mother and daughter she was keeping vigil over that night.

Suddenly Jesse turned in her sleep and yawned. Her eyes sleepily opened and a small smile spread across the baby's face. Jesse slowly reached out her hand towards Olivia, and without hesitating Olivia reciprocated and placed her own hand in the crib next to the small girl. Jesse grabbed Olivia's fingers and after a few moments fell back to sleep.

"Jesse" Olivia whispered to the now slumbering baby "it's not your fault that you were born and you have nothing to feel guilty for" she whispered the words that she herself wished someone could have told her in her own childhood "I'm not going to lie... it's going to be tough for you and your mom, but you guys have me and everyone in the SVU. I promise I won't let you suffer through the things I had to as a child. We're going to make sure that your mama gets the help and the justice she deserves" with a painful tear falling down Olivia's face spurred on by her past she added "always know that you are a gift, you are loved"

* * *

The early morning wasn't kind to Amanda. The sunlight painfully landed on her face as it snuck into the otherwise dark room from a small crack in the blinds. Groaning out of annoyance and nausea, the young blonde shifted in bed as she desperately tried to make the ache in her head dissipate by returning to her restless sleep.

After several minutes of hopeless efforts. Amanda finally gave up on any further prospects of slumber. Slowly she sat up in bed, but unfortunately, it didn't feel slow enough for the instant she moved her head spun. Quickly she placed her hand over her mouth to retain the meager contents of yesterday's food in her stomach. A minute later she finally trusted herself enough to slip out from the covers. She was instantly shocked at her lack of clothes.

Amanda didn't usually sleep in only her underwear; but, considering her lack of memory from the previous night and the pungent taste of alcohol on her breath she figured that she wanted to forget something, and for the moment she had succeeded. Against her will, a faint memory began to filter through her hungover mind. She saw the man who had attacked her only two years prior. He was smiling and waving at her from within one of her favorite bars.

The sudden reminder sent her stomach rolling. She was about to run for the bathroom but froze as she heard an indistinguishable voice and her own daughter's laughter. Her heart dropped and fear enveloped the young mother, for she realized that she wasn't alone and an unknown stranger was with her baby girl. Thinking without reason, her mind pictured her tormenter from the past grabbing at her daughter. Amanda feared that the man who had sold her to pay her debt had found out about Jesse, and had come to take the baby girl from her.

Finding the strength she didn't know she had, Amanda ran out of the room and into the living room "don't touch my daughter!" she screamed as she whipped around the corner. Instead of finding a threat, however, Amanda came face to face with her boss making Jesse some breakfast.

"Amanda?" Olivia said softly as she kneeled next to Jesse and picked her up "it's just me, and you know I would never hurt Jesse". She realized that Amanda wasn't in her right mind at the moment and wanted to make sure that the young blonde would come to recognize her surroundings before they approached her.

"Olivia?" Amanda questioned as she once again felt dizzy and grabbed onto the doorway to steady herself "what are you doing here? What's going on?"

A look of sympathy crossed Olivia's face. She knew that Amanda might not remember the night before because of the amount of alcohol the younger woman had drunk, but she hoped that at least some of their conversation could have remained. "I came over to visit you last night. You were clearly drunk and distraught so I helped you into bed and stayed the night to help look after Jesse"

A flicker of recognition passed Amanda's face as she recalled the incident in Olivia's office the day before, they had found out about her ordeal with that man and had even watched a video recording of it. The time after was all a blur. Mortification flooded her system and it doubled as she realized that she was still standing in her underwear in front of Olivia.

The stress of the situation caused her stomach to turn once again, and this time it wouldn't pass. Without another word Amanda ran to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before she heaved the contents of her stomach into the porcelain bowl. Her body shook from the force of her vomiting and Amanda had to stay kneeling as she clutched the bowl to steady herself. "Amanda" a soft voice said from the doorway to the bathroom. At the intrusion of this voice, the young blonde turned her head away from the door. She could not prevent the hot tears pouring down her face and she didn't want Olivia to see them.

"Please, Liv" Amanda was able to say hoarsely "don't look at me right now. I can't stand being this way in front of others... just go"

Olivia wanted to respect Amanda's privacy, but she also knew that at that moment the younger woman needed help. Out of Olivia's own personal and professional standards, she could not just leave her alone. "Amanda..." she began "it's alright. I'm not going to judge you. I only care about you and I want to help"

Amanda shook her head "thank you... but no. Please... I don't need it" she said as she shifted back on her heals. She tried to curl into a ball in an attempt to hide her body from the older woman.

Seeing this Olivia realized that Amanda was embarrassed about her stated of undress. Quickly, the older woman grabbed a towel hanging on the bathroom wall and handed it to the young mother. Without a word, her blonde detective wrapped it around herself, but still refused to look at her. "You don't need my help, Amanda?..." Olivia asked as she once again looked at the scars that covered the young blonde's back "or you don't think you deserve it?"

"I..." Amanda began "I... both" she finally answered with a sigh. With a quick look at the older woman she continued "and before you start lecturing me that I do deserve it and all that crap, let me just say 'I know' okay" she said in a rush. "I know that I'm wrong in how I feel guilty and blame myself for those men's actions. I mean I've been working at SVU for years. I know... I just can't help the way I feel right now"

Olivia gave a tight-lipped smile and shrugged "I know exactly what you mean, Amanda, I went through that with Lewis as well". Inwardly, Olivia was slightly pleased to see that feisty side of Amanda again "but you have to understand that I hate to see you hurt yourself like this. I can't help but want to be here... so since we're such stubborn people, I guess we'll both have to learn and deal with it" she gave a slight chuckle as she reached a hand out to help Amanda off the floor. With an eye roll and a huff, Amanda excepted the hand and allowed Olivia to pull her up.

"Why don't you put on some warm clothes while I finish making some breakfast" Olivia offered as Amanda wrapped the towel tighter around herself "then we can talk about... thing" she finished vaguely on purpose. Her only reply was a simple but small head nod as Amanda left the bathroom.

Amanda dressed by routine. She was running on autopilot as her head spun around with the events of the previous day and of that morning. She bit her lip to the point of almost drawing blood. She was mortified. Amanda felt like all of her secrets were coming undone and there was nothing she could do to stop it, even her usual attempt at drinking her pain away seemed to have only embarrassed her more with Olivia.

She slipped on her shirt and a thought occurred to her. Her back was exposed, she knew that Olivia must have seen the scars. Then the memory of the night before struck her, she had willingly told the elder woman about them. In distress, she pulled at her hair in a form of self-punishment for being vulnerable in front of her boss.

"Why can't everything just stop for once?" She asked herself as she finally finished dressing "I can't keep being a screw up in front of my team"

"Amanda, are you okay in there. The food is ready" Olivia's voice rang down the hallway. Not wanting to worry her boss or cause any more embarrassment for the day she quickly made her way into the dining room. The young mother saw that the small table was already set with Jesse and Liv waiting in their chairs.

"I... can't believe you made all this with what little I have in this apartment" Amanda said surprised at what she saw. There was only a few pancakes with bacon and orange juice "I didn't even think I had pancake mix"

"Well you didn't" Olivia said with a small smile "I just mixed together some bananas and eggs to make banana pancakes. You'd be surprised the combinations that are possible when you need to make a small meal". The trio ate in relative silence and the atmosphere grew tense, the only reprieve was from Jesse when she giggled every time she threw Franny some of her food.

When they were done eating and everything was put away, Amanda took Jesse into the living room and placed her in front of the television with some toys. Olivia followed the pair and sat across from them in a small rocking chair. "So what... things did you want to talk about" Amanda asked, even though she already knew the answer.

"Well, a lot of things actually" Olivia stated the truth "unfortunately we didn't get the best of starts so I feel like we have a lot of ground to make up before we can truly feel comfortable sharing personal information with each other"

"That wasn't my fault, and besides it seems like all of my secrets and flaws have already been shared with the squad" Amanda spit out bitterly.

"I know" Olivia responded "you tried to reach out before and I shunned you. I'm sorry about that. I truly am, but you haven't made things easier either. Also, I know what it's like to have your life on display for the whole world to judge. I've been there too, but I understand that you probably don't think I understand so I'm going to tell you a painful secret from my past that hardly anyone knows about"

"Olivia, you don't have to do that" Amanda responded quickly "I know you mean well, but you don't have to do something you don't want to". She knew Olivia has gone through some tough times in the past, and even if she did think that the elder woman didn't understand her situation completely, she didn't want Olivia to relive something horrible from just to make herself feel better.

"No, Amanda, I want... no" Olivia corrected herself "I need you to know". Without receiving any other indicators from the blonde she began her tail. "My mother was an alcoholic" She noticed Amanda's cheeks flush at this statement as she looked down at her daughter and focused on the baby's activities. Knowing the young blonde probably remembered her own drunken state from the night before and Olivia not wanting Amanda to feel uneasy about that hurried on with her story "her drinking was caused by a trauma she suffered at the hands of another person".

At this statement, Amanda's eyes once again returned to her boss.

"My mother was raped" Olivia said smoothly, it was strange to hear those word leave her lips but she had long ago come to terms with the circumstances of her birth "and I was a product of that rape... my mother always resented me for that" she finished with a depressive shrug.

"Olivia..." Amanda said with a sad expression "I'm so sorry..." she didn't know what to say in response.

"That's alright, there's only one person who's to blame and I honestly don't know if the bastard's still living" Olivia said as she leaned forward in her rocking chair

"I told you then?" Amanda said as a statement more than a question "last night, I don't remember, but I must have mentioned... about Jesse"

Olivia nodded "yes you did. You called her an angel regardless of how she came into this world" Amanda smiled at this. She may loath the men who attacked her, but she would never blame her daughter for that. The younger woman's smile fell, however, when Olivia asked her a question "Amanda, I don't mean to pry and you don't have to answer, but given the circumstances... why did you decide to go on with the pregnancy? My mother had no choice at the time... but you, you had... options"

Amanda sat in her chair for several moments without a response. Olivia began to fear she had crossed a line until the younger woman spoke up "I know I should probably have some really complex answer about morality or some opinionated speech about choice but... in honesty I just... I don't know how to explain it clearly"

"You don't have to" Olivia said as Amanda still thought about her answer "you don't have to justify your actions to anyone but yourself"

Amanda smiled at her response "Well, to be honest, I was going to have an abortion at first. As soon as I found out about the pregnancy I scheduled an appointment with an abortion clinic" Olivia was surprised at this, not at the thought of having an abortion but the fact that Amanda went so far as to set up an appointment but ended up having Jesse anyway. "They were busy and I couldn't be seen right away, so I resigned to waiting three weeks for the appointment. I guess I should be very thankful for that time because I have Jesse now because of it" she said as she cast her daughter a loving glance.

"Things really changed when I was trying to hide this from ya'll, and I had no one to confide in" Amanda said as she looked at Olivia again "I made the mistake... no, not mistake! I had the great fortune of talking to Jesse. At first, I was only yelling at her. I would say the most terrible things, and I always ended up crying afterward. One day, though, I just... I complained about something Fin did" She smiled "it wasn't anything important. From then on I just started talking in general. I rescheduled the appointment with the clinic to give me a little more time to think. I guess I liked the fact I could confide in something without being judged. Eventually, I started to see Jesse as MY baby and not a result of rape. That's why it took me so long to tell you I was pregnant because I wasn't sure until then that I was going to keep her. But in the end she is not a curse, She is MY daughter and no one else's, Jesse is My life, and I won't let anyone state otherwise"

"I'm truly glad that you found peace in Jesse" Olivia began as she held back a few tears at Amanda's words. She only wished her own mother could have felt the same about her "but I am concerned about the two of you" she said seriously "the way you were last night... I couldn't help but think of how my mother handled things..."

"Olivia, I know that I don't do the healthiest things when I'm stressed, that's kind of the reason I have Jesse in the first place" Amanda said with an awkward chuckle "but I will never push my daughter away, I never intend to tell her about her father, like I said she is mine, my life, my world. The only thing that has restored my faith in this world"

"Just know that you have us to confide in now Amanda: Fin, Carisi, and I. We'll be here for you and Jesse, always" Amanda nodded shyly at this and looked away, she wasn't used to overwhelming support. "I'm not going to lie to you, with the case we have against Corey Dunham... it's not going to be as easy as we could have hoped for"

"Corey Dunham?... So that's his name" Amanda said as she finally learned the name of her long time nightmare "what a stupid one at that" she tried to make light of her response, but her heart was still beating fast just thinking about the man.

Olivia nodded as she looked at her watch "what time does your sitter usually come?" she asked

Amanda looked at the time herself. It was 15 til nine, "actually, she'll be here any minute" she realized as she stood up

"That's good, it will give us time to drop by my place for a change of clothes before we head to the courthouse. Dunham's arraignment's at 11am but Barba wants to speak with you first" Olivia clarified as she also stood from her seat

"So I'm really doing this, I'm actually going after him"

"Yes, and in the end, he will pay for what he's done"

 **A/N: Wow, I did not expect this chapter to be this long, but then again I didn't expect it to take me two weeks to update lol. Thanks again for being patient and for all of the wonderful reviews :) they make me feel guilty for taking so long lol.**


	9. Courthouse Meeting

**A/N: this is me trying to update faster than the last two times lol :)**

The drive to the courthouse was held in silence. Amanda nervously tapped her foot as she looked intensely out the passenger side window, and Olivia allowed the younger woman some distance as she drove. The silence remained as they finally arrived at the imposing building and made their way inside.

"Amanda" a voice rang out through the halls. The pair didn't have to look hard to find the source of the shout. At the other end of the passageway, Carisi and Fin stood waiting for them in front of the assigned courtroom for Corey's arraignment. Amanda put her head down as she finished the few steps remaining to reach them, and then instantly lifted her gaze as she realized what she was doing. She didn't want to seem fragile in their presence.

The young blonde detective pursed her lips and then sighed. "I'm fine Carisi" Amanda answered the Italian detective's unspoken question "and I don't want to talk about it right now". In fact talking about her experience at all seemed impossible to her at that moment and Amanda wondered if it was even going to be possible for her to testify in court.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you, for whatever you need. Any time or place" Carisi said with a sympathetic smile as he reached forward to place a comforting hand on Amanda but then suddenly retracted it. He didn't want to touch her without her permission, the last thing he wanted to do was frighten or hurt her.

Unfortunately, Amanda noticed his reaction and was hurt by it. She didn't want to be treated any differently than she was the day before, that aspect played a key part for her not coming out about her rape earlier. That, and the fact that she was and still does feel embarrassed and guilty over the whole matter.

Knowing his partner, Fin quickly jumped in to remove Amanda's attention from Carisi's self-conscious actions. "We're all here for you Manda... you and Jesse" he said with a light smile "and Franny too, even though she has acquired a taste for my shoes" he added to get a smile from the younger woman. "My expensive shoes at that... damn dog cost me 150 dollars" he said as he recalled the last time he was over Amanda's apartment and kicked off his shoes only to discover that the pup decided to make them her newest chew toy.

"How many time do I have to say that I'm sorry" Amanda answered back with an actual chuckle. She was relieved to see that Fin had calmed down some since the last time she saw him; because, he always knew how to make her laugh, even at the most inopportune moments.

"Guy's were you able to speak to Erin Colton and get her side of the story about those adult videos she starred in" Olivia asked breaking the banter between partners. She appreciated Fin's ability to pull Amanda out from her head, but at that moment she needed to know this information for their case.

"Ya" Carisi spoke up and reached for his small notebook. Quickly flipping through the notes he recounted Erin's words "she said those videos were something she did to help pay for college. That she did do them consensually, but said she used a fake name and information thinking that people she knew would never find out" he finished as he closed his notebook, but then added "she nearly broke down in tears when we told her what Corey said, how he claimed that she was just doing another film with him. She begged us to believe her that she never wanted it"

Olivia nodded in response. She expected as much, but she recognized that even with Erin's side of the story their case was still hurting. Erin had just confirmed that she had resulted to participating in adult films in the past when she needed money, the defense has a pattern of behavior for her.

"I'm going to let Barba know that you're here" Olivia said as she placed her hand on Amanda's shoulder as she moved past the younger woman, she needed to let him know what Erin had said. Olivia also didn't want to keep Barba waiting before the arraignment, and she knew if Amanda had the choice she would stall as much as she could so she wouldn't have to face their trusted prosecutor.

With a fast pace, the elder woman disappeared behind the corner at the end of the hallway. Amanda stared unmoving at the space she had last seen her boss. It wasn't that she didn't trust to be alone with the guys, she just grew used to the silent support that Olivia had offered her since they left her apartment. After that realization, Amanda instantly began hating herself. She was breaking the promise she had made as a child to never become dependent on anyone, the promise she made the day her father abandoned her.

The atmosphere quickly grew awkward between the three seasoned SVU detectives. "So... uh, the weather sucks right now huh" Carisi said as he tilted his head to the pouring rain that was visible through the large courthouse windows. He didn't like the awkward silence, but couldn't come up with anything better to say to try and change the mood.

With a deep sigh, Amanda refocused her gaze back to the young Italian detective and then shifted it to Fin. "Look guys" she began seriously "I appreciate everything y'all are doing for me... but please, right now can we just pretend that everything is normal. That this case isn't going on, and you guys don't know what happened. Please, I... don't want your pity. I want you guys to be able to trust me to take care of myself again"

"We've never doubted your ability to take care of yourself, Amanda" Fin responded seriously back "and if you really need us to pretend that we don't know..." he looked at Carisi "we'll give it our best shot, but Manda, just know that our affection toward you is not pity"

Amanda nodded in appreciation, but before she could verbally respond she saw Barba appear from behind the corner with Olivia. Taking another deep breath she said "well, I might as well get this over with". She began to walk toward the pair and met Barba with a short hello. Olivia asked Amanda if she wanted her to be with them as they spoke but Amanda quickly said 'no thank you'. Again, she wanted to stop relying on the others and reassert her independence. With no more words, Amanda and Barba made their way back to his office.

* * *

Barba held the door open to his office as Amanda entered. She did not take a seat, even though one was offered. The young blonde detective didn't wish to stay any longer than she had to in this preliminary meeting between prosecutor and witness. She knew before the trial actually began Barba, along with the rest of her squad, would have to take her full statement.

Amanda knew that Olivia had jumped the gun in arresting Corey. The man was guilty and they all had no doubt, but the team hadn't taken Amanda's statement yet or finished reviewing all of the videos. Olivia herself told Amanda this, how her emotions got the better of her and now they have to rush to finish their work because they haven't dotted all of their i's or crossed all of their t's yet.

"Rollins, I just wanted to start off with how sorry I am for this whole situation" Barba said as he shut the door behind himself and made his way to his large desk. The Cuban man leaned gently against its front in lieu of a chair out of respect for Amanda's decision to stand.

"You and me both" Amanda responded dryly under her breath. In truth, Amanda feared the very idea of talking about her experience under Corey's control because it caused her to relive those horrible moments again.

"Excuse me?" Barba asked as he tilted his head slightly, not understanding what Amanda had whispered.

"No, nothing..." Amanda huffed out "so what did you need to talk to me about?" she asked him wanting to get straight to the point.

Barba nodded his head in understanding of Amanda's discomfort before continuing "I saw the video, Amanda... all of it". Amanda's heart dropped at these words. She knew that it was inevitable, but she didn't expect it to have happened so soon. "I want to get this guy, we need to get this guy" he continued "so both videos, in their entirety, of your assault, and of Ms. Colten will be made available to the jury". Barba saw Amanda's face pale at this "but only the jury. Out of an abundance of privacy and due to the very graphic nature of those films, we have decided to restrict access to them. Even the public records will be vague in their specific details" he said in a hurry.

This was only a small consolation prize to Amanda. While she appreciated that the whole of the courtroom wouldn't see the tapes, it still didn't sit well with her that 12 strangers would still be seeing them. "Okay" she responded as she shoved her hands in her pocket and stood a bit straighter to hide her confliction "so what does this do for the case then?"

"Well our evidence will only strengthen our side, but unfortunately the judge has ruled to throw out everything else that was on his hard drive. The videos of his other victims, as well as those of the multiple other men who assaulted you and Colten" the Cuban prosecutor said with a sympathetic face. "This hurts us in proving a long-standing trend with him, although we do have both of your stories to play on each other" he stated hoping to lessen the blow of his last statement.

Barba thought for a moment in how to address his next point. "Colten's past... and your past" he began and paused to gauge her reaction. Amanda simply cast a glance towards the rain pouring outside. "That will complicate the case, it gives his defense more credibility..."

"So you think he will walk?" Amanda blurted out before thinking

"No!" Barba rushed to say "well... no, I think we can still get him, but it won't be easy and honestly I can give you no guarantee. I can tell you that this trial is going to be messy, and probably a very difficult experience for you and the SVU as a whole" he added dishearteningly, his body language portraying the great amount of stress he was under with this case.

With a deep breath he stood up and walked midway to Amanda "that's why I was thinking of offering a plea deal" he waited for any reaction but received none so he continued "I was going to take off all charges of kidnapping, stalking, extortion, illegal holding, assault on an officer and unlawful filming. In exchange, he has to plead guilty to all counts of rape and sodomy for both you and Ms. Colten. He would still end up doing at least 25 years behind bars"

To Amanda, that seemed like an easy sentence compared with what she had to suffer through. What scores of women had to suffer through. On the other hand, she never expected justice to be served and she didn't like the thought of standing in front of a courtroom full of people and recounting her experience, only for it to end up in public record "If you think that's the best way to get him, then I have no problem with it".

Barba nodded, a small feeling of relief spread throughout his body. He knew this deal would be in her best interest, but he wasn't going to do it if Amanda didn't agree to it. "Rollins, there's no guarantee that he'll even take the plea. But the arraignment should give us some indication on how his attitude may be. If he gets denied bail he may be more willing to look into other options than a jury trial; however, if he makes bail his confidence might boost and he may shoot down the proposal altogether"

Amanda agreed with his logic and stepped forward with a soft smile. "I know you'll do your best counselor" she said as she lightly placed her hand on his shoulder before walking out the door to rejoin the others.

Barba could only stand there for several moments after she left "no pressure then" he sighed as he finally moved to grab his things and leave for the hearing. He couldn't help but think back to the days he had to prep Olivia for her own trial against Lewis. The pain he saw the brunette go through hurt him even to that day, and the last thing he wanted to do was mess up this case and end up hurting Amanda as well. "Sometimes I wish I was the stoic robot or fierce and ruthless bull that people think me to be" he pondered to himself out loud "it would make dealing with cases like these so much easier".

He left his office and locked it, but before he let go of the door nob he found his reflection in the glass. He looked into his own face and made a promise to himself, one that he wasn't sure he could keep but he would stake his reputation on it none the less.

"One way or another, Corey Dunham is going to pay for what he has done... via justice or fate"

 **A/N: I've noticed a lot of praise for the interactions between Amanda and Olivia, and I love writing their dialog as well there is just so many things I can do with them. But, this story is more than just the two of them interacting. I wanted to explore how Amanda's ordeal impacted everyone on the squad... and Barba as well. So I hope you guys will not be too disappointed or angry that this will not be a Rollivia centric fic, it was never truly one to begin with. ( there will be elements of their growing friendship and trust, but it won't be just the two of them every chapter) Thanks again for all of the support :) it really keeps me going, especially with Finals next week.**


	10. Devil Among Us

**A/N: So Finals are over :) hopefully this means that I will be able to update more frequently. As long as I don't end up with Jury duty tomorrow or that the holidays don't become too hectic, that is the plan lol.**

"I know that you'll do your best counselor" Amanda's words were left echoing in Barba's head as he entered the courtroom and waited for Corey Dunham to be brought in. Barba felt the pressure from his own honor and the SVU squad to ensure that this piece of filth did not have the opportunity to walk free while they waited for the trial. The last thing the Cuban prosecutor wanted to do was to allow this man torment Amanda's peace of mind more than he already had.

Barba turned to his left and saw the team sitting in the peanut gallery. Amanda sat to Olivia's left, on the other side of the blonde was Fin and Carisi took up position on Fin's left, constantly sending careful glances toward his blonde partner.

Barba could not help but notice how protective the two older officers seemed to be over Amanda. They were alert and on their guard, periodically watching the door to await the arrival of the man they hated the most. The young mother herself, however, kept her gaze down and preoccupied her hands by fiddling with something in her lap, something beyond Barba's gaze.

Everyone's head popped up and stared at the large doors as they opened to reveal Corey being lead inside followed by his lawyer. To Barba's disappointment, the man didn't look any worse for the wear after spending the night in a jail cell. Corey wore a proud and smug look as he stopped in front of the large wooden table before the judge.

"In the case against Corey Dunham, charged with multiple counts of rape, sodomy, kidnapping, extortion, and stalking, how does the defendant plea" the judge asked after reading the long list of crimes Corey was accused of.

"Not guilty your honor" Corey responded in a sickeningly calm and disarming tone that didn't match the affect of a man accused of such horrendous crimes.

The judge nodded his head at Corey's answer and then turned his gaze towards Barba "and what says the people?"

"The people request remand your Honor" Barba said in his serious tone as he glanced down one last time at his notes. "Mr. Dunham has a criminal record and is a clear danger to society if he were to be free, and not to mention that he has no connections to the community and has every opportunity and means to flee"

"Your Honor, my client's record consists of small misdemeanors. He is a legitimate businessman whose only reason for being here is that two of the actresses he hired were not satisfied with the deal they had made. This is a matter better held in civil court than a criminal one" Corey's lawyer spoke easily.

"Those women were not hired actresses but poor unwilling hostages" Barba bit back furiously at the words of the sleazy defense lawyer

"Order" the judge yelled, knowing that if he didn't interfere now the court would break out into a yelling match. "Each side will be allowed to present their side of the case during the trial. Now, considering Mr. Dunham's lack of a violent criminal history and the charges brought against him, the bail will be set at 750,000 dollars. Mr. Dunham will surrender his passport to the court and stay within New York's borders if bail is posted. The trial is to be held in 60 days" the judge said just before he struck his gavel down and called for the next case to be heard.

As Barba was packing his things he felt bitter sweat. He was disappointed that they did not get remand, but at the same time, he understood that the bail set was no small amount of money. The Cuban prosecutor could live with this ruling, or so he thought until he saw the wide grin on Corey's face. It was at that moment that Barba knew he would post bail, and his heart sunk at the knowledge that he had failed.

Barba met the team outside of the courtroom, his head almost held down. "Good job Barba" he heard Olivia's voice say to him as he reached the detectives "at least we don't have to worry about him until the trial"

"I wouldn't be so sure" Amanda said as she leaned against the wall with her arms wrapped casually around herself trying to appear indifferent, but her concern being obvious to all of them. "He has money, I remember the way he was dressed and looked when..." she trailed off not wanting to reference her time as his prisoner.

"I have to agree with Rollins" Barba stated quickly taking attention away from Amanda "I saw his face when the bail was set. Dunham seemed pleased with the outcome"

"If that's the case then we need to put through an emergency restraining order to keep Dunham away from Manda and Erin. He has stocked them in the past he could try and threaten them again" Fin said quickly as he unconsciously stepped closer to his blonde partner.

"I already started the paperwork" Barba said as he held up the documents in front of the detectives before him "I didn't predict this outcome, but I am never one to be unprepared. All I have to do now is get a judge to sign this"

"Regardless of the restraining order, I don't think Amanda should be left alone. If he had the guts to do what he did to a police officer in the first place I wouldn't put it past him to try and get to her or Jesse before the trial starts" Olivia voiced her concern

"Wait!" Amanda interjected "What are you saying that I can't be left alone, I don't need some babysitter or bodyguard to tell me what to do 24/7. I love the level of trust you have in me" she finished bitterly. She felt like they were taking her choices away from her and after everything that had happened that was the last thing she wanted. The only thought keeping her together through this process was that she could claim this was all her decision. She is agreed to testify, she wants to see justice done, even if she is being pushed by the others, but having a babysitter is not her choice. She does not want to feel trapped under someone's imposing gaze again.

"This is not about us not trusting you, Amanda" Olivia quickly responded bringing her hands up in an attempt to calm down her youngest detective. "It's about us not trusting Dunham, we only have what's best for you and Jesse in mind here"

At her words, Amanda was reminded that Olivia knew about the origins of Jesse's conception. Out of renewed embarrassment, the young blonde stubbornly turned her head and looked out the large windows to the pouring rain outside.

"I have to agree with Benson here" Barba said pulling Amanda's attention back to the Cuban prosecutor "it's in your best interest"

"If you're so concerned about my best interests maybe you should have made sure he was remanded in the first place instead of now trying to figure out who will be my warden and prison guard for the next few weeks" Amanda stated in a harsh tone, but instantly regretted it as she saw the hurt and crestfallen face of their prosecutor.

In truth, Barba agreed with her. He believed he failed her and the team, and if anything were to happen to her or Jesse he would blame himself. It was because of his failure that Barba wanted to ensure that someone was looking out for her.

"I'm sorry" Amanda said after letting out a large sigh "I didn't mean that Barba... this is just all so stressful" she tried to give a sheepish shrug but she couldn't muster the energy for it. "I just want to keep my independence, please guys don't take that from me too"

"I'm with Amanda" this phrase took everyone by surprise. The team's attention turned to Carisi, and under the intense scrutiny of everyone's gaze he let out a nervous chuckle and unconsciously scratch the back of his head. "I mean, it's ultimately her choice and knowing her the more we push the more she's going to pull away. So it's better to do what we can without forcing anything on her. She'll ask for help if she needs it, right Rollins?" he asked looking at her

"um... yeah. If I need you guys I'll ask, I promise" she stated after a second. That was a promise she wasn't sure she could keep, she had a poor track record of asking for help.

"You promise Manda" Fin asked her sternly "if something's wrong you'll tell us, not just keep it to yourself?" neither he nor Olivia actually believed her.

"How about this" Olivia interjected "I'll place a squad car on your block at night, nothing overt but you'll know that help is only a few seconds away from you if you need it" the elder woman tried to compromise. She wasn't going to let Amanda go home without some type of insurance for her safety.

"I can live with that" Amanda finally relented on the compromise. At least with the squad car outside she could pretend that everything was normal, out of sight out of mind. "Now can we all just go back to work, I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on" she asked as she began to move for the exit.

"Are you sure you want to go back to work already?" Olivia asked. She knew how difficult it was to work with being the center of everyone's concern "you can take a few days off if you need to"

"So first you were trying to watch my every move and now you're trying to keep me away from the office and everyone in it?" Amanda asked in confused anger "make up your mind"

"That's mot what I mean and you know it. I'm just saying if you need a break it's understandable and besides you can't be anywhere near this case, you're one of our star witnesses"

"I'll be fine I promise" Amanda said thinking it was simply another lie, but she knew that free time was her enemy. Every unoccupied second would only cause her to think about Corey Dunham and what he did to her. Amanda knew she needed to stay out of her own head, even if that meant pouring over statements of other rape victims to help them find their own justice.

* * *

The hours were passing slowly for Amanda. Far too slowly. As soon as she returned to the precinct she sat at her desk and delved into the large pile of paperwork in front of her computer screen. She tried to pretend not to notice the others gathered in Olivia's office discussing her case. She could see through the open blinds, she saw them constantly looking out at her. Amanda began to tap her foot at a rapid pace out of agitation, but she could handle it. She knew that they had to do their jobs too, and she was the one who decided to return to work.

It wasn't until she saw them gather at Olivia's computer that she began to think returning to work was the wrong move. Amanda watched them lean on to their boss's desk to get a closer look at the screen, and she almost became light headed as she realized that they were probably watching the video of her assault again. They were looking for details they may have missed before. This was standard practice in cases of rape where the attack was filmed, but this was her case. That was her they were watching getting raped over and over again. This she could not handle.

Amanda quickly stood from her desk and quietly made her way to the bunks. Out of a need to rid herself of her self-doubt and regret, she began to pace the room. This did nothing, however, to keep her mind off of the fact that her teammates were watching the video again, the horrible details they were taking notes of. "Why do they have to go over that again" she said bitterly aloud to herself as she continued to pace the room "do they really need to continue to embarrass me like this, the film should speak enough for the jury. They shouldn't break it down so much for them" Amanda continued to rant with full knowledge that what she was saying was wrong.

Amanda was so caught up in her movements that she didn't notice Fin entering the room until he spoke "Manda, are you okay?" he asked in concern for his partner. Amanda instantly stopped moving when she heard his voice, but she refused to turn around and look at him. With no response Fin continued to speak "I know this is hard for you... actually, I can't imagine what you're going through, but I just want to help. I'm your partner Amanda. I'll do anything for you, just tell me what you want" he finished in a pleading voice.

Slowly Amanda turned toward her longtime partner and gave him a painful smile. "What do I want?" she repeated "it seems like everyone has been doing things for me without thinking about that huh?" she thought aloud to herself but then shook her head and addressed Fin.

"I want you to yell at me Fin, I want you to be mad that I messed up for the hundredth time. Angry that I lied to all of you again. Please, all of you have to stop with the pity. I can't take that. It's driving me insane. Scold me for failing, like I always seem to do, get everything out in the open so maybe you and everyone else can forgive me for messing up so badly. Then perhaps we can just move on with our lives and pretend that this didn't happen. Pretend that I'm not the addiction ridden, slut of a detective that can't seem to keep men out of her pants" Amanda had started off in a calm voice but as she spoke her emotional state grew as well. By the end of her rant, she was practically yelling at him moving her arms in large gestures to drive home her point.

Fin stood dumbfounded for several seconds not knowing how to address his partners words at first. He was hurt that Amanda thought they should be angry at her for what that bastard had done to her, he was saddened that she thought so little of herself, but most of all he was angry that this even happened to his partner, that she believed that she was such terrible things. Taking a deep breath to ground himself, Fin responded "Manda, first of all you are not a slut. We are not mad at you, and we don't blame you for what happened. You deserve no anger direct at you for this, and I'll kick the ass of anyone that thinks so" Fin raised his fist and punched his left open palm to drive in his point. "We don't pity you, Manda. We care about you. Nothing I do is out of pity, it's out of love" he paused for a second to make sure he had her full attention "Manda I love you. You're my family. I'm not going to say some sensitive bull crap that you're like the sister I never had, but you are my family one way or another, and there's nothing that I wouldn't do to protect my family. So no, I won't yell at you. I won't scold you, but I will always be here for you"

Amanda had to take a deep breath to control her emotions at his words, but she couldn't keep everything in. Out of desperation to not breakdown in front of her partner, Amanda turned around and played with the material of the bunk bed in front of her "do you mean that Fin?" she asked in a small and uneven voice keeping her eyes on the itchy material in her hands.

"Of course Manda, anything you need just ask" Fin responded serenely

Amanda turned back around and Fin could see the trails of tears that had fallen from her eyes, but out of respect for his partner, he pretended that they were never even there. "Can you make it so that this trial doesn't have to happen because that's what I really want. I want Corey Dunham to just disappear and never bother me again"

"If I can find a way I'll make it happen" Fin answered her

Amanda gave him a wry smile "it's alright Fin, I know I ask for the impossible... but thank you. I... I don't know how I got so lucky to have you as my partner" She walked up to him and placed her hand on his shoulder "I think I'm going to head home right now, and no, I can do this by myself. Just tell the others that I said bye"

Fin nodded his head and placed his own hand over hers "be careful Manda" was all he was able to say before the young blonde detective pulled away and left.

Amanda slipped out of the precinct without being noticed by the others. She felt almost guilty for not saying goodbye to Olivia or Carisi, but she knew that if they saw her they would know that she had been crying, and she didn't want or need another heart to heart.

On the drive home, all she could think about was holding her beautiful daughter in her arms again with Franny curled up by her feet. She hoped to have a restful night, but she doubted it would happen since Olivia had made her pour all of her alcohol down the sink. Amanda knew that she was heading down a dangerous road with her drinking, but it had been a big help in drowning out her demons. With a binge drinking session out of the question Amanda feared what her sober mind would do to her when she would be practically alone.

 **A/N: It's funny how plans can change. I didn't plan to stop here, but then I also didn't plan to have Amanda and speak and have that heart to heart in this chapter. I just thought it was time for it to happen. Thanks everyone for being understanding that this fic will not be simply Rollivia friendship but focus on everyone's reactions, I was afraid that you guys would be mad at me for that :)**


	11. Cries for Help

**A/N: So I actually ended up being stuck in Jury Duty for two days before the defendant pled out. With that and the Holiday season this chapter was delayed, but it's here now lol :)**

Amanda tossed and turned in her bed. The knowledge that Corey was walking free and untethered bothered her more than she would even admit to herself. As a seasoned SVU detective, she knew that the restraining order wasn't an actual barrier that could protect her from him. If Corey truly wanted to get to Amanda, or her daughter, the only thing stopping him was a locked door, Franny, and her service weapon that she has left on her bedside counter ever since her time of being his captive. Amanda knew that she couldn't keep her gun there forever, especially once Jesse begins to walk on her own, but until Corey is permanently out of her life she wanted some form of protection.

The troubled blonde was vaguely aware when her loyal dog jumped off of her bed. Amanda was exhausted, but sleep continued to elude her, and the last thing she wanted to do was take Franny out to do her business. She feared that she wouldn't have the self-control to not run to the open convince store down the street and buy a few bottles of hard liquor to replace the ones Olivia made her dump the night before.

At this point Franny began scratching at her door "please Franny" Amanda pleaded with her beloved pet "not right now, mama can't handle this tonight". Ignoring her master's pleas the dog continued to scratch. With a sigh of defeat, Amanda swung her legs out of bed. She wasn't going to ignore Franny out of her own self-misery. The loyal dog had pulled her through too much to be taken for granted.

Amanda opened her door and turned to grab Jesse from the baby room while Franny took off towards the front of the apartment. A sudden growl stopped Amanda in her tracks. It wasn't like Franny to growl at nothing. The blonde slowly turned around to see what her dog had found, but when she was halfway to her pet Franny let out a painful yelp. "Franny!" Amanda yelled as she saw a foot come out of nowhere and kicked the loyal protector across the room. Franny hit the wall with a loud bang and slid to the floor unmoving.

Fear tore through Amanda as she saw this scene play out before her, but she became frozen when she saw the face the foot belonged to. Before she could even blink, her attacker had her pinned to the wall next to her bedroom "no" Amanda screamed in vain as her hands were painfully twisted behind her back "what are you... how did you..." she couldn't think straight enough to even form a coherent sentence.

"How did I find you?" Corey's voice mocked in her ear "don't make me laugh detective, I told you the first time that I do extensive research on my girls"

"Let me go" Amanda pleaded as she continued to struggle in his grasp "I won't tell anyone if you just leave"

"We both know that's a lie" Corey growled angrily as he pressed his body harder onto the struggling blonde below him "you promised not to tell the first time, but here we are"

"That wasn't me" Amanda said as she finally stopped struggling. She leaned onto the wall breathing heavy from exhaustion "I never told anyone, it was your fault for having those videos on your computer, you're the reason my team found out"

Corey was about to respond to Amanda's accusation until he heard the soft whimpers of a baby. "Is that a baby I hear" he sarcastically questioned as he lifted Amanda from the wall and led her towards the sound of her baby girl. Amanda began to struggle again, determined to not let that man anywhere near Jesse. "Stop fighting me bitch" he yelled as he slammed Amanda against the wall

"Leave my daughter alone, she has nothing to do with this" Amanda pleaded as the room spun around her head due to the force of the blow

"Tst tst tst but love she has everything to do with this" Corey said with a dangerous smile as he came closer to Amanda's face. The blonde detective's heart dropped at his words "and don't you mean our daughter?"

"No" Amanda screamed "she's not yours"

A sharp slap was heard in the room as Corey's hand made contact with Amanda's face "she is mine and I'm going to be taking her back with me". Amanda began to plead with him telling him that she would do anything if he only left Jesse alone, but it all fell on deaf ears "... oh don't worry love, I'm going to be taking you with me too, I'll make you learn your place and maybe you can give me a few more kids in time". Corey then started pushing Amanda towards her own bedroom "but first why don't I get you reacquainted with my body" he sneered

"No please" Amanda practically cried out as she was pushed onto her bed "please somebody stop him, help!" she continued as she fought him with all of her strength. "Olivia! Fin! Carisi!" she yelled as she felt him tie her left hand above her, she continued to call out to her team for help as she struggled under his weight. Finally, with a stroke of luck, she was able to get her right hand away from him and out of instinct she reached for her gun on her nightstand only to increase in panic as she realized her gun was not there.

"Are you looking for this" Corey laughed as he pulled her gun from behind his back and placed it against her forehead "you should really learn to listen to me love or everything will be that much more painful" he said in a chillingly calm voice as Amanda felt the cool steel burn into her skin.

 **BANG...**

* * *

With a jolt, Amanda popped up in bed. Her heart was pounding and her body shaking with the extreme force of her nightmare. A cold touch on her left arm caused the frightened mother to scream. Quickly she pulled her limbs in closer for protection until she noticed it was only Franny trying, in her own way, to comfort her master.

"Franny" Amanda tried to say but failed as it ultimately came out in a sob. Amanda threw her arms around her dog's neck and forced herself to take a deep breath. She knew that it was all a horrible dream, but that didn't stop the uncontrollable fear and anxiety to coarse through her veins.

After several minutes of just hanging on to Franny for dear life, Amanda was finally able to let go. She cast a glance at her bedside table to ensure that her gun was still, in fact, there "It was just a dream Amanda" she said to herself as she placed her hand on the cold steel of her gun.

The metal seemed to burn her skin at its cool touch. Her quick motion to pull her hand away sent her alarm clock over the edge of the small table. "Shit" she hissed at herself as the loud noise of the device's fall caused the frightened blonde to jump. "You need to calm down, calm down" she commanded herself in vein "it would be so much easier if Olivia didn't make me throw out all of my liquor.

Feeling the need to get out of bed and distance herself more from her nightmare Amanda stood on her shaking legs and walked slowly to her daughter's bedroom with Franny trailing behind her. Amanda stood in the doorway making sure Jesse was safe for several minutes before returning to her own room. Being unable to stand still the young mother began to pace her small room "why did I have to have that stupid dream" she complained to herself "I haven't had a dream like that since Jesse was born, it's because of this stupid trial. Why couldn't this all just stay in the past where it belonged"

After pacing the room a few more times Amanda walked over to pick up her alarm clock. She reached down and realized that it was only 12:32 in the morning "I have work tomorrow but there's no way I can go back to sleep after this" she said in defeat. Her heart was still pounding in her chest and she was close to packing Jesse in the car and heading to the precinct to get some sleep. That was the only place she actually felt safe anymore, being surrounded by her team and many other cops far out of the reach of Corey.

Amanda knew that she could never do that. Her team would know that something was wrong, and she couldn't just leave Franny all alone. The images of Corey kicking her into submission still fresh in her mind.

It was at this moment when Amanda spotted a small piece of a glass bottle peeking out from under her nightstand. She reached down and picked it up with a half smile "well look at that, maybe I can get some rest after all" she finished as she turned over the small bottle of Sky Vodka in her hands. She wasn't the biggest fan of Vodka. She preferred Whisky or Rum, but at that moment anything that could take away her fear would do.

Amanda quickly turned the cap and the smell of the strong alcohol instantly reached her nose. She was about to chug the whole bottle until an image of Jesse crossed her mind followed by Olivia. Amanda gently lowered the bottle to her side as she remembered her boss's words. The pain Olivia showed on her face when she revealed that she was the product of rape and how her mother became an alcoholic and resented her.

"I won't do that to my daughter" Amanda said as she capped the bottle. She was going to put it in her drawer until she realized that the urge to drink was still strong. She quickly walked over to her kitchen sink and poured the bottle slowly down the drain, this time out of her own free will and not her boss's. When she was finished she placed the bottle next to the others.

"Now what?" Amanda asked herself. It was still late and she had no way to comfort herself. She was panicking still and didn't want to be alone in her apartment. She wondered if she could call someone, Liv? Her boss was her first thought because the elder woman had already spent the night at her apartment the night before "no, I can't do that to her again. She has Noah and he comes first" she said as she shook her head.

"I can't call Fin, he's already worried about me enough as it is. I owe him to much to keep him up" Amanda grabbed her phone in her hand and squeezed it. She was losing the courage to reach out and feared that she would end up panic ridden all night alone in her apartment. "Carisi?" the sudden thought occurred to her. "He did side with me at the courthouse last night about me keeping my independence" she stated aloud and without thinking she dialed his number.

"Hello? Amanda?" Carisi's sleepy voice answered from the other line.

"Hey" she answered back weakly now feeling stupid for calling him but being stuck anyway

"Is everything alright?" he asked more alert with a hint of worry in his voice.

"Oh no... everything is fine" Amanda lied "I just um..." she mentally kicked herself for not thinking this call through "my um... smoke detector keeps going off and I didn't know how to fix it" she lied again.

"Smoke detector?" Carisi questioned, "um.., do you want me to come and take a look?"

"If it's not to much trouble... I mean I can wait till later to look at it. I just couldn't sleep with it, you know..." Amanda was having trouble trying to justify herself for calling him so late at night.

"No, no It's not a problem" Carisi responded back and she could hear him pulling on pants "I'll be over in fifteen okay"

"Thanks, Carisi" Amanda whispered through the phone as she hung up.

With a sigh, Amanda placed her phone on top of the kitchen counter. She felt embarrassed for getting Carisi to come over under false pretenses but she couldn't stand to be alone in her apartment after that vivid nightmare. She leaned her weight on the counter and looked around, her eyes fell on the several empty bottles of hard liquor "I better put those away before he gets here" she mumbled to herself "it's bad enough that Liv knows about me drinking, the last thing I need is to lose even more respect from the others"

When she was through, she walked to the window and looked at the street below "dammit" she hissed at herself "it's still pouring outside, Carisi's going to hate me for making him come over for nothing"

She wondered if she should call the Italian detective back and tell him that she figured the smoke alarm out and that he didn't need to come over anymore. Amanda was just about to grab her phone when there was a knock at her door. Walking very carefully to the door she slowly looked through the peephole half expecting Corey to be on the other side.

"Amanda?" Carisi called as he knocked again

"Thanks for coming" Amanda said as she opened the door to allow her partner in "the alarm always keeps Franny and me up" she continued the lie

"Alright well let me take a quick look at it" he offered as Amanda led him to the device. He grabbed a chair and pulled the top off. He paused for a few seconds looking at the detector in confusion before realization struck him. Carisi Looked back at Amanda "Well nothing looks wrong with it, probably just needs some new batteries. I'll buy some tomorrow morning for you, but until then let's just leave it here on the counter" he finished saying as he stepped off the chair. Carisi placed the top face up so Amanda couldn't see that the smoke alarm was missing it's batteries to begin with.

"Thanks, Carisi, I should have realized that it was something so simple" she smiled at the stupidity of calling him over under such pretense

"No, it's important to have a working smoke alarm, Amanda. You need to have those batteries in there to keep you and Jesse safe... especially with the way you cook" he laughed and Amanda playfully hit him on the arm.

They stood in silence for several more seconds. Amanda didn't want him to leave just yet, but she also didn't know how to ask him to stay either. "Amanda" he called to get her attention "do you mind if I crash on the couch... the weather outside is terrible and I think it would just be easier to spend the night here. Also with the smoke alarm down I wouldn't feel right leaving you guys unprotected. I want you to be able to feel safe, Amanda" he smiled. The young blonde seemed to have missed the double meaning of his words.

"Yeah, of course" Amanda responded almost a little too fast "it's the least I can do for you helping me, but are you sure you're okay with the couch. I mean I did bug you for this. You can take my bed and I can stay on the couch"

"Come on" Carisi smiled as he shrugged off his jacket "what kind of knight in shining armor would I be if I let you take the couch"

 **A/N: I hope I didn't confuse you guys with the nightmare :) I always love dream scenes and sometimes I can get carried away with them. Thanks so much for all of the support and patients, I have this story all outlined so it will be complete, I just can't tell you how many more chapters because I only got halfway through with what I wanted for this chapter lol :)**


	12. It's Not A Weakness

**A/N: Sorry for the long delay... again hehe. The holidays were very hectic. I hope everyone had a great Christmas, Hanuka, or anything else you celebrated or maybe didn't :) The funny thing is. I started this chapter 8 days ago, I just didn't have the time to post it.**

Carisi had always been an early riser and that morning at Amanda's apartment was like any other. He could not say that he had a very restful sleep because he was aware of the nightmares his partner was having. Carisi discovered that the young blonde mother talked in her sleep and the things she said during the night gave him nightmares.

The sun was just beginning to peak through the blinds when Franny nearly jumped on him. "Hey" Carisi huffed out when the wind was nearly knock out of him by the weight of the happy dog "do you always wake your guests up like this?" he asked the excited canine as he sat up on the couch. Yawning Carisi began to scratch Franny's ear "you want to be walked, huh girl?". Franny answered his question by licking his hand "okay, okay. Let's go then" at his words Franny ran to the wall hook that held her leash. With everything that had been going on for the past few days, Franny hadn't been getting her usual amount of walks.

Carisi made sure to lock the door behind himself, but not before stealing a key from Amanda so he could get back in without disturbing her. "You're worried about your mama aren't you Franny," he asked his new four-legged companion as they walked down the stairs "so am I" he admitted more to himself than to Franny. "I wish she could just ask for help instead of making up excuses to not be alone on a rough night" he sighed to himself as he remembered the bad lie she told him to get him over there. "I should be happy that she at least reached out in her own way" he concluded as he took Franny around the corner for the 5th time "okay, girl let's get back before Amanda wakes up to an empty apartment, but first let's buy something to eat".

Not more than twenty minutes after he left the apartment Carisi returned with a couple of bagels and two hot cups of coffee. He placed their quick breakfast on the kitchen table and then went to give Franny some water. The dog lapped up the water in the bowl faster than Carisi thought a dog should be able to "wow, you were thirsty weren't you, girl" Franny stared up at him and then nudged her food bowl "and hungry too" he chuckled to himself as he picked up the bowl to feed the demanding yet lovable dog.

"Now where does your mama keep your food?" he asked as he began searching through Amanda's drawers. He opened nearly all of them without luck, but then suddenly stopped in his tracks as he opened the cabinet near the kitchen sink "what the..." he trailed off as he saw the many empty bottles of alcohol in the cabinet. Forgetting what he was doing he grabbed the nearest bottle, the blue bottle of Sky Vodka. He turned it in his hands a few times and he could tell it was only recently emptied. The smell of alcohol was still strong and the inside of the bottle was not yet dry.

"Why are there so many bottles of..." he cut off his own question as the answer came to his mind "she's using this as her crutch. She's been trying to drink away her problems". He couldn't say he was surprised. Carisi knew about her past gambling addiction, and he knew that would make her more likely to replace that addiction with another. He just hoped that she wasn't so far gone that she wouldn't listen to reason.

Carisi was pulled from his thoughts by the loud bark of Franny reminding him that she still wasn't fed. "Shhh," he harshly whispered as he reached behind the bottles and grabbed the dog food bag "you're going to wake Amanda and Jesse up". Franny didn't seem to care much and answered with another bark. "Okay here you go," Carisi said as he hurriedly poured the food into the plastic bowl on the floor "there you happy now?"

Carisi wasn't able to do much else before he heard Amanda's door creek open. He sighed knowing that the young blonde mother was now awake, he had wanted to let her rest as much as possible. Carisi looked to the hallway and saw Amanda standing there, she looked frightened but at the same time relieved. He knew that she must have forgotten about him being there and worried that an intruder was attacking Franny. "Hey Amanda" Carisi greeted her but he only received a head nod from her as a response. He was about to take a step closer to her until he saw her gun in her hand. "Wow Rollins, it's me, Carisi," he said in concern.

"Yeah... I know... I just thought..." Amanda looked down at her gun "I'm sorry Carisi, I'll be right back" she finished as she returned to her room to put the gun away. Carisi decided not to move and wait for her to return on her own. "Um... I'm really sorry for this... and last night" she began. Amanda didn't really know what to say to the man before her. In fact, she didn't want to say anything at all because she couldn't help but scrutinize every action she took. She was afraid of how she was presenting herself to her partner and didn't want to come off as weak or crazy.

"I get it, Amanda," Carisi said with a smile and walked over to the kitchen table and lifted up the meager food he had bought them "I really do, bagel? Coffee?" he interrupted himself. Amanda only nodded and sat at the table. They sat together in silence as they sipped their warm drinks, but Carisi couldn't keep quiet for long. "Amanda, I understand that this is all hard and I want you to know that you have my complete and unconditional support" he began as Amanda watched him tentatively "but please..." Carisi didn't know how to bring it up so he decided to not beat around the bush "those bottles in that cabinet, I can't imagine how difficult trying to cope with what has been done to you is but drinking is not the right way..."

"Carisi it's not like that" she quickly lied. It was like that, or at least before a few days ago it was, but she didn't even want to admit that to him. "I'm fine..." she looked down at her drink "and the way I'm dealing with this... well I'm getting through it"

"You don't have to get through it like this" Carisi responded back with compassion "there are better coping mechanisms than alcohol, that's just another way to hide from your problems"

"Don't you think I know that" Amanda snapped at him "yes, I have problems. Everyone does. I was drinking to not remember what they did to me, to keep the nightmares at bay! I was doing that!" she emphasized the past tense "That is until Olivia convinced me to pour it all down the sink. She helped me see that it wasn't the way to do it, but that didn't help with the nightmare. Why do you think I called you last night..." she paused. She didn't mean to yell at him or tell him the truth about why she drank.

"I'm sorry Amanda," Carisi said with sincerity "I'm just worried about you, and I don't want you hurting yourself because of others" he paused. He knew what he had to say next wouldn't be taken easily by his partner "have you ever considered therapy"

"I don't need that, Carisi" Amanda responded with an angrily calm voice

"I was just asking because a therapist would be able to provide you with several positive coping mechanisms..." he paused and bit his lip before continuing "do you think therapy is a sign of weakness?"

"Stop Carisi, okay. You don't understand, you've never had to go to a therapist" she said as she grabbed her hands together and squeezed them tight in an attempt to control her emotions "your life has been perfect... you couldn't understand!"

Carisi was quiet for a moment "you're wrong, Amanda, my life is far from perfect. You're right that I've never been in a situation like yours... but I have needed to talk to a therapist before, and not just my priest, a real therapist" he confessed and caught Amanda completely off guard "I never told you, or anyone really, why I decided to become a cop. Something happened when I was young" he pinched the bridge of his nose to ready himself for his tale.

Amanda was taken aback by his sudden change of demeanor. The young blonde detective had never even thought to ask why he became a detective in the first place. She had always assumed that it was his way of being close to the court system and seeing justice done while he waited to make the long journey into becoming a lawyer.

"You know I come from a large Italian family right?" Carisi asked as a rhetorical question. He knew that she was aware, he had invited Amanda and Jesse over to some of his family parties before, especially during the holidays. "Well when I was younger, about 10 or 11, I looked up to my cousin Franky. He was 11 years older than me, but boy were we close" Carisi smiled to himself at the memory of his cousin. "Me coming from a house dominated by women... he just taught me things that my sisters wouldn't"

"He gave you your first adult magazine, huh?" Amanda asked in an innocent voice.

"Amanda" Sonny gave her a pointed look, but his cheeks did flush. Amanda knew that it wasn't the time nor place to make such a remark, but she was nervous at his seriousness and she wanted to return the atmosphere to their usual bantering attitude. Something that she had learned to draw comfort from.

"Anyway, Franky had always wanted to be a cop and when he was old enough he signed up just like that" Carisi snapped his fingers to emphasize his point "he was the happiest man in the world when he was excepted into the police academy"

Another smile played across Carisi's face at the thought of his cousin, but then his smile fell and he looked heartbroken. Amanda watched this with sympathetic eyes. She never heard about this cousin before and she knew this story must not have ended well "something happened didn't it?"

Carisi nodded his head as he bit his lip. Amanda could swear she saw tears prick at the edges of his eyes. "Franky took me out with him to celebrate, he said I was his inspiration to work hard because he wanted to be a great role model for me. See, Franky's dad was a scum bag and well that's all I'm going to say about him. He had no one to look up to so he wanted me to have a hero"

Carisi pulled out a small photo from his wallet. It was wrinkled and worn around the edges but the image of a young man and a boy standing in front of Yankee stadium was still as clear as day. The young man looked just like Carisi, except with jet black hair and brown eyes. The Italian detective looked at this precious picture and then handed it to Amanda.

"He took me to a game, just the two of us. It was a terrible loss for the Yankees but it didn't matter. I had the time of my life. After the game, we went to a local 7/11 on our way home to grab something to eat. Games were fun but too expensive to eat at" Carisi paused again and Amanda knew that they were reaching the climax of his story. "I wish we didn't stop" Carisi suddenly stated "that store was robbed, and my cousin... he couldn't just do nothing, but the robber had a gun. Franky pushed me to the ground, the robber had a woman as a hostage. He held the gun to her head. Franky fought the guy and saved that lady's life... just at the cost of his own"

"Carisi... I'm..."

"I saw the whole thing" Carisi admitted with a deep breath "I saw the light leave his eyes" a tear escaped from his eye "I saw my cousin die right in front of me"

Amanda didn't know what to say. She'd seen plenty of death in her job, she'd seen some of the worst the city had to offer, but she'd never seen someone she loved die right in front of her.

"I was really unstable after that" Carisi admitted with a sly grin "I was angry at the world... at God. I was afraid to leave my house or go to school. I hated this city and the people in it. I needed help, and I got help" he looked straight into Amanda's eyes "it wasn't easy, Amanda, it was actually the hardest thing I've ever done. But I got help, and I was able to learn how to live again, how to trust and love again. It took me years to get where I am today, but it's not impossible. You make fun of me for being so optimistic sometimes, but this is why. I've been in real darkness before and after I came back from it the world just seemed brighter, don't get me wrong there is still evil out there, I just want to see the brighter side of things. After loosing hope it felt wonderful to have it again"

"Sonny..." Amanda said as she handed back his picture "I'm so sorry for what happened to you, and I'm glad that you've come out of it stronger... I just don't think I can..."

"Amanda, it's not a weakness to ask for help. If that's what you're afraid of? No one will think less of you for talking to a therapist" Carisi offered, hoping to convince her otherwise

"No Carisi, you don't understand. It's not that I think talking to a therapist is a sign of weakness... I just don't think I'm strong enough to withstand actually facing my problems" Amanda stated in raw honesty. She had spent her whole life pushing her demons to the depth of her subconscious that she's afraid of ever opening that door.

"That's a bull shit answer, Amanda, because you're one of the strongest people I know. In fact, you're far stronger than I think even you know" Carisi said sincerely "think about it, Amanda, all of the stuff you've been through. All the crap your family put you through, your addiction to gambling, your deputy chief, being a single mother... Corey Dunham and those bastards that were with him. You've been through hell Amanda, but your still here. You're still willing to go to work every day and fight against the depravity in this city. Not everyone can do that. Franky was my hero as a kid, but you're my real hero, Amanda"

"Carisi, you don't have to say that," Amanda said while blushing. She wasn't used to getting such a generous compliment.

"It's the truth, so ya I have too" he smiled and moved closer to her so he could give her a hug. A hug that after a moment she returned.

A knock at the door interrupted their moment and Gina, the babysitter, quietly peeked her head inside. Amanda had given her the key because the young woman had a tendency to arrive when she was in the shower or otherwise indisposed. "Opps," Gina said and stepped back out "I didn't mean to interrupt anything"

Amanda chuckled slightly at the thought of what her sitter must have been thinking "It's alright Gina, were both decent" At her words the sitter reentered the apartment "just let me change real quick and we can head into work" she offered Carisi

"Alright, but we need to stop by my place so I can get some fresh clothes and brush my teeth. I don't want the guys at the precinct spreading rumors when I come in with a day old suit" Carisi chuckled. The guys at the one six liked to tease each other about suck things.

"You should let them, although they will probably wonder what guys house you were at" Amanda chuckled back as she entered her bedroom

"What!" Carisi yelled after her "why would they think..."

"Fin" Amanda replied back from the other side of her door

"Fin..." Carisi repeated confused "Why"

"Revenge, for the most part, remember when you pulled that ghost prank on him. He holds grudges Carisi, and you didn't make it any harder by never going on dates" Amanda explained. It turned out that Fin, although he would deny it, is terrified of ghost and Carisi used that to his advantage one night for some fun.

Amanda returned from her bedroom dressed for the day ahead, the sleep deprived bags under her eyes hidden expertly with makeup. "If you want your own revenge, just bring up his last partner. They were so close that many thought they were in a secret relationship of their own"

"Him and Munch?"

"Just don't tell anyone I told you" they both chuckled. Amanda and Carisi said their goodbyes to Jesse and the sitter and then strolled out into the busy street life of New York City and headed to work.

 **A/N: Sorry I just couldn't help myself :) I recently saw a fic about Fin and Munch being secret lovers and I thought it was so funny that I wanted to nudge it in somehow. Also, I wanted to end this chapter on a lighter note. There will be a twist in the case next chapter so stay tuned :) Thanks again for all the positive feedback I've received, it's very encouraging.**


	13. Friends

**A/N: Happy New Year :) I hope everyone is getting off on the right start. So, school started again**

 **:( but fortunately, this story is more than halfway done so it shouldn't take too long to reach the conclusion.**

Amanda and Carisi arrived at the precinct later than they would have wanted. They ran slightly late due to the fact that they needed to stop by Carisi's apartment to pick up fresh clothes. If anyone thought it was strange that they came together they didn't say anything.

"Hey, Carisi," Fin said as the young detective set his belongings down onto his desk "Liv's in her office. She wanted to talk to you about the case" he finished as he leaned back in his chair and glanced at Amanda. He didn't want it to be obvious that he meant her case but he knew that she could figure it out easily enough.

Carisi nodded with an "alright" and headed into the small office.

Amanda didn't bother to look at Carisi as he left or even at Fin for that matter. All the young blonde wanted to do was get to work and pretend, for that moment at least, that it was just like any other work day. Unfortunately for her, it was not like any other work day, not when it was her case that was the main focus of her squad.

"Fin" Amanda finally spoke up in an annoyed voice "please stop"

"What am I doing?" the dark-skinned detective responded instantly with raised shoulders.

"You're staring at me" she stated back with a pointed look, "don't think that I can't see it" she added as she folded her arms across her chest while leaning forward onto her desk. Her body language challenging him to tell her otherwise.

Fin sighed in defeat. He knew he was caught and found no reason to lie to her. "I'm sorry, Manda, I didn't mean to stare. I just... I want to know that you're okay"

"I thought we agreed yesterday that you didn't pity me... so why are you doing this now?" she said with a bitter tone. She was getting agitated again and as a result, she put her guard up. Fin recognized this and it hurt him. It took him a long time to bring down her walls, and to see her place them up again so noticeably around him was like a stab to the heart.

"Manda, just because I'm worried about you doesn't mean that I pity you. That's not how this works, I just hope that I can gain your trust enough again so you'll believe me" Fin answered her bitter tone with a calm and almost sad one of his own.

"I'm sorry, Fin, I guess I'm just being too sensitive right now" she half chuckled to herself "I need to get control of myself or else people will start to question my competence"

"Nah, Manda, don't worry about that" Fin responded quickly "act however you want too, and if anyone says something about it direct them to me" he added as he pointed his thumb back at himself "and I'll introduce them to my fist" he finished with a devilish but serious smirk. His antics made Amanda genuinely smile, but she could also see the sincerity in his actions and felt truly touched to have such a man be her partner.

* * *

Carisi walked to Benson's open door and knocked to announce his presence. "Fin said you wanted to see me, Lieu," he said as he entered the room.

"Yeah, I did," Olivia said as she looked up from her paperwork. She watched with intent as the younger man walked behind one of the chairs that stood in front of her desk. Olivia smiled softly and removed her glasses from her eyes and placed them on her head. "So, how was Amanda last night?" she asked suddenly catching Carisi off guard.

"Um... well, she had a rough night..." he was able to iterate as he tried to figure out how Benson knew he was with Amanda. He knew some people saw them enter together, but he was sure that Benson didn't notice it.

"I figured" she sighed and gently rubbed the bridge of her nose "the squad car I placed on her block called me after midnight because he saw you enter her building. For her to call you during that storm... she must have been desperate"

Carisi nodded his head, mostly for the fact that he realized Olivia only knew about his late night adventure because of the patrolman watching Amanda's block. He knew that there was nothing wrong with what happened but he couldn't help but to feel like they were caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing, and as a result, he could feel his cheeks blush involuntarily.

"Thank you, Carisi" Olivia's sudden gratitude surprised him. "I'm glad that you went out of your way to look after her when she called you" she explained. In truth, Olivia was extremely pleased in hearing the outcome of the night before, because that meant Amanda finally reached out for help instead of trying to deal with everything on her own. The SVU Lieutenant recalled her own ordeals after her trials with Lewis, times when she should have reached out but didn't. The nightmares she suffered through alone. She was grateful that Amanda felt comfortable enough to call Carisi during her moment of weakness.

"It was nothing so grand, anyone would have done it, especially you or Fin," Carisi said trying to play down her words.

"But she didn't call Fin or me, she called you, Carisi, and you didn't have to brave the weather, but you did. Don't sell yourself short because not everyone would have done what you did, to stay the night at a vulnerable woman's apartment and not try to take advantage" she said warmly but seriously.

"I would never take advantage of Amanda, or any other woman for that matter" Carisi responded without thinking, believing Olivia thought that he had tried to get closer to Amanda out of personal gain. It was no secret in the office that the two of them had been getting closer, but how close was the real question.

"I know you wouldn't" Olivia responded quickly, trying to clarify herself "but not everyone is so noble" she rose to her feet and handed him a file from her desk. "Now, Barba is going to be talking to Paul Hoffman, the man who contributed to the rape of Erin Colton, in hopes of making a deal in exchange for the name of the other man involved in her assault and possibly more information on Dunham, his 'business', and his testimony against the him in trial. I want you to be there during this time"

"you can count on me, Lieu," Carisi said as he quickly flipped through the file and then left the room.

Olivia turned back to her desk and the mound of paperwork that littered the top of it, but before she could reach her chair she heard a gentle knock at her door. "Benson" Amanda's voice came from the doorway "I ran the face TARU got from the video of the Cortez case, I got a hit from our database. Turns out our perp is on Parol and has a record of sexual assault" Amanda explained and she handed her boss the information she had gathered. Since Amanda had decided to return to work she was limited in her capacity to work because of her own ongoing case. She was, however, allowed to continue the cases she was already assigned before her case began, and that involved the rape of Isabella Cortez. Carisi and her had found video evidence of Cortez's rape the same day Olivia and Fin confronted her about the video of her own rape by Dunham.

The close proximity of this case to the beginning of her own made Amanda want to solve this no matter what. "Is it alright if Fin and I go pick him up and see if Isabella can spot him in a lineup?" she asked knowing that the older woman wouldn't be thrilled if she found out that Amanda snuck out of the bullpen two days in a row without her knowledge.

"So we got our guy?" Olivia asked as she handed back the folder to Amanda

"Looks like it" the younger woman smiled. She needed this victory to help her feel like herself again. She couldn't wait to have this man in custody and behind bars, it would be simple considering he was on parole for a similar crime.

"Alright," Olivia nodded in permission and Amanda was about to walk out "but I wanted to ask how you're doing? How everything was last night?" she spoke before Amanda could leave

"Last night?" the young blonde repeated "Um... everything was fine," she said trying to figure out where Olivia was taking this conversation.

"I know how hard it is to suffer through an assault, Amanda, and to have your attacker out on bail is frightening. I just wanted to know how you were... coping" Olivia said with a soft expression of concern playing on her face.

"If you're talking about my drinking..." Amanda trailed off. She bit her lip in frustration but then released the growing tension in her shoulders with a large sigh. She knew that it would take awhile for Olivia to trust her better judgment in those situations, and she could only blame herself for the elder woman's tendency of mistrust towards her. "...I didn't do it" she finally responded "I... wanted too, I wanted to so bad, but I didn't... because of you, and what you said" she admitted hoping that the older woman would recognize the truth in her words.

"I believe you, Amanda, and I'm happy that I could help you in that regard" Olivia said with a soft smile "I'm extremely proud of you in the fact that you were able to hold off on that urge, I know how strong the pull of the bottle is from personal experience" she admitted

"You?" Amanda asked surprised "when did you ever have that problem"

"It began after Lewis, actually" Olivia explained with a sigh. She leaned back against her desk as she suddenly felt the dread that rushed over her every time she recalled that man. "I was going through a difficult period after my time with him. I felt the need to keep things inside, much like what you are trying to do. Long story short, I began drinking to calm myself down and it got out of control"

"Wow... Liv, I never knew any of that" Amanda said honestly surprised "you hid it so well. How did you overcome it... if you don't mind me asking?"

"It was multiple things really. I never saw my drinking as a bad thing, you never really do in those situations, so I didn't bring it up at the time to my therapist, but, someone noticed. Someone I trusted to always watch out for me, my partner." Olivia responded with a thoughtful expression

"Nick?" Amanda realized with surprise "he never said... I mean he wouldn't..."

"No, he wouldn't have said anything to anyone," Olivia said with fondness "he was a loyal partner, and when he recognized my problem he came to me on his own to help." She smiled sheepishly "let's just say I wasn't the most appreciative of his advice and insights. In fact, I actually cussed him out on several occasions, but he never gave up on me or betrayed my confidence. He kept on reaching out to me until I took his help"

"I never noticed" she said with disappointment in her voice "though... I knew you had it bad after Lewis. I mean, I probably wasn't in the most observant phase either because of what happened..." she trailed off as she referenced her own rape "but, you always seemed so strong"

"I seemed strong because of the support I had" Olivia stated "I would never have gotten through it otherwise. You, though, you lived for two years without reaching out for help... I don't think I could have done that"

"It wasn't easy," Amanda said honestly "I made a lot of poor decisions during that time, unhealthy choices"

"But that doesn't matter now, Amanda, because I know you finally reached out last night. On your own accord" Olivia said with a proud smile "you've come so far in such a small amount of time... I am constantly surprised at how strong and resilient you are"

"Carisi told you?" she questioned, feeling slightly betrayed by the other detective

"No, no. Carisi didn't tell me a thing. It was the patrolman I placed on your block, remember, he told me" Olivia explained. In truth, Amanda had forgotten the deal she had made with Olivia at the courthouse regarding the squad car on her block, but she felt relieved that Carisi hadn't betrayed her trust. "I just hope that one day you'll feel comfortable coming to me for help as well" she admitted to the younger woman before her "I really do want to be there for you, and Jesse"

Amanda blushed at Olivia's words. She had always wanted to have a friendly relationship with Olivia, long before she even transferred to New York. She was touched that Olivia seemed to feel the same way. "Thank you, Liv. You have been a great support... I would have called you, I just..." she breathed deeply "I didn't think that I could with Noah, and everything. I owe you to much as it is"

"You don't owe me a thing, Amanda, helping each other is what friends do," Olivia said as she placed a gentle hand on Amanda's shoulder, and the younger woman gave a soft smile at the gesture.

The comforting atmosphere didn't last long, however, for only seconds later Fin rushed in "Liv, sorry to interrupt" he said as he noticed the closeness of the two women in front of him "but we have a situation" he finished urgently instantly grabbing their attentions.

"What is it?" Olivia asked, fearing what the situation could be.

"Erin Colton, Corey Dunham's other victim, just ended up at Mercy hospital on life support. As of this moment, she's in a coma fighting for her life," Fin stated the facts quickly "she was in an accident this morning. A car jumped the sidewalk and ran her over"

"A car hit her from the sidewalk?" Amanda repeated in disbelief "out of all the people to get in such an accident... what are the odds?"

"Not very good in terms of just coincidences," Olivia said aloud as she thought about their current case "come on guys, this is way too convenient for Dunham. Suddenly, one of our star witnesses gets taken out right before trial is set to begin? This doesn't add up"

"So you're saying Dunham set this up?" Amanda questioned hoping that not to be the case

"It makes sense, the man has a lot to lose. Which means that you're not safe either, Amanda." Olivia said as she turned to her youngest detective "From now on you're not to be left alone. Either Fin, Carisi, or I am to be with you at all times"

"I don't need that" Amanda responded instantly "I'm not afraid of him" she lied. She was, in fact, terrified of him, but she wouldn't even admit that to herself.

"Listen to Liv, Manda, this is serious and if not for you do this for Jesse. Who would she have if something happened to you?" Fin tried to reason with her

"So what, you guys are just going to follow me to and from work every day until this trial is over," the young blonde detective asked trying to wrap her head around the new situation that was rapidly forming

"No, were going to be with you 24/7, even when you're at home and off duty. That's when you're at your most vulnerable" Olivia said with an authoritative voice leaving no room for debate.

"Wait! That's too much" Amanda protested knowing full well that it was a losing battle "y'all have your own lives, I can't ask that of everyone"

"You're not asking, Manda, but it's going to happen anyway. You mean too much to us to lose to this bastard. We'll do this in shifts, each person can take several nights" Fin said looking at Benson for approval "Carisi and I will take the most shifts because we're both single with no dependents. Benson can fill in when she feels the need"

Olivia and Fin both stared intensely at Amanda, daring her to challenge them on this. They were not going to back down when it came to the safety of one of their own. With a sigh, Amanda resigned herself. She hoped that after a few days without incident, the others would loosen up on their strangle hold. Deep down, however, Amanda was secretly grateful for their concern. The idea that Corey would go so far to stay out of jail made her nightmare the night before seem only more real. "Fine, I'll go along with this for now... but now I have to go through the trouble of explaining to my sitter why every time she comes to my apartment, a different person is sleeping there" she said with her typical sass "I already think she believes I get around to much considering the last two nights"

 **A/N: Sorry for the long delay again guys, but I can't even promise that the next chapter will be up any sooner either. It looks like weekly or bi-weekly updates will be the norm. Thanks for the patents and the support :) I hope this story is still interesting, and not repetitive.**


	14. Sleep Over

**A/N: Yep, so it seems updating once a week is the best that I can do right now. By my count, there should only be two or three chapters after this.**

Several days had passed since Erin's accident, and the team had kept their promise to protect Amanda twenty-four-seven. Carisi and Fin had already stayed at her apartment several nights with no incidents. They even let her sleep in on occasion and took Franny out in the morning to do her business. The blonde detective loved them both, but she had to admit she preferred having Carisi at night because he would make them fresh home cooked meals. Something that is hard to come by when she has only basic culinary knowledge.

The nightmares didn't stop, however. Some nights she would be awoken by Fin or Carisi to reassure her that she was safe. They were both respectful after the fact, never bringing it up again. It was strange for Amanda to admit, but she was getting used to having an extra person in her apartment. Things would be different this night. For the first time since the start of the non-stop protection, it would be Olivia's turn and, for convenience sake, Amanda would be staying at the elder woman's apartment.

There were many things Amanda was uncomfortable about with this situation. For starters, Olivia wasn't aware of her nightmares. The last time Olivia spent the night with the blonde, Amanda was heavily intoxicated and had not dreamed at all. This time she would be sober. To add on top of this, she had not spent the night away from her home in a while and she was afraid to be away from her own personal sanctuary.

"Are you ready to go?" Olivia asked Amanda as she approached the younger woman's desk. They were the last two to leave the precinct on that Friday night. The trial would begin on Monday, and Olivia hopped to make the weekend as easy as possible for Amanda to keep her stress levels down.

"Oh... ya. Just let me power down my computer" Amanda said as she looked up from her work. In honesty, she had thrown herself into her work that past week in her own attempt to avoid the inevitable trial.

There was going to be no deal. With Erin's testimony not going to happen, and as a result the video of her assault not able to be shown as evidence, Corey felt confident that he would be able to discredit Amanda and walk away a free man. The team wasn't even able to tie Corey to Erin's accident. He had an airtight alibi, being at the bank with none other than Paul Hoffman. Corey was able to get to Hoffman before Barba and Carisi could. As a result, Hoffman was not only refusing to testify against Corey but the two of them were working together to collaborate Corey's version of the truth.

The car ride to Olivia's building was mostly silent. The only form of conversation being what they should have for dinner. The ride up the elevator was held in much the same fashion.

"Thanks again for watching her" Amanda thanked Lucy as the younger woman was gathering her things to leave. Amanda's sitter had dropped off Jesse earlier in the day and Lucy took care of the baby girl as well as Noah for several hours.

"It was no problem at all, in fact, I loved having her" Lucy smiled as she was walking out the door "Gina and I even exchanged numbers so we can plan little playdates between the two children in the future, with your permissions of course"

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Olivia said in agreement and looked towards her youngest detective for her input.

"I think so too" Amanda concurred. With nothing further the young babysitter left.

Amanda busied herself with heading into the guest bedroom and unpacking her things. She would be staying with Olivia until Monday morning. This was not something that she had asked for or even wanted, but it was what the team decided would be best for Amanda and Jesse. They feared that the closer the trial date came, the more desperate Corey could become. So in an abundance of caution, they decided it would be best for Amanda to be away from her apartment. Since Olivia had everything to care for a baby it only made sense for the mother/daughter pair to stay with her. Franny, on the other hand, had to stay with Fin.

Amanda was stopped in her unpacking by a knock at the bedroom door. "So we never decided on what's for dinner," Olivia said as she held Jesse on her hip as Noah stood at her side. They young boy wasted no time in climbing on the bed and rolling around on the comforter "Noah, you're messing up the bed" the elder mother said with a scolding but humorous tone "sorry, Amanda"

"No, it's fine, Liv," Amanda said as she lightly tickled the young boy. He giggled with delight and glee as his belly was being tickled. "I know that he's just excited because he has Jesse over," she said with a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

"I lub Jesse" Noah instantly sat up once the tickling assault ended "I don't want her to eber leabe" he added in his toddler voice, mispronouncing several words.

"I know, Noah" Olivia answered her son as she gave Amanda her daughter back and then scooped the young boy into her arms. "But, right now it's bed time for you and Jesse. Say good night"

"Night, Jesse... night, Manda" the young boy said as he leaned his head against his mother's chest.

"Night, Noah," Amanda said waving Jesse's arm for her. Her daughter's eyes already drooping with sleep. "Olivia" she was able to add before the elder woman left the room completely "if it's all the same to you, I think I'm also going to call it a night. I'm not hungry anyway"

"Alright, Amanda, good night"

* * *

"Stay away from me! Don't do this... not again!"

Olivia suddenly popped up in bed with her heart racing and adrenaline pumping. The seasoned SVU Lieutenant ran to the guest bedroom and swung open the door. Her eyes instantly zoning onto Amanda's shaking form on the bed as she still screamed trapped in the grips of her nightmare.

"Stop... please, stop" Amanda was yelling in between hard breaths "get off of me" she kept repeating as her hands flailed around her.

"Amanda," Olivia said loudly from the side of the bed "Amanda, you got to wake up. It's just a dream" the elder woman tried to wake the young blonde without touching her, in fear that the feeling would only traumatize her more.

"Stay away from her... don't touch my daughter" the young blonde mother continued to sob

Not being able to take Amanda's strangled cries any longer Olivia grabbed Amanda's arms and held them tight. This only caused the younger woman to panic even more. "Amanda, it's me. You're safe. Jesse is safe, I promise you" Olivia said as she pulled Amanda closer to herself, almost completely onto her lap, and kept repeating her soothing words until the terrified young woman in her arms finally woke up and stopped struggling.

It took Amanda several seconds for her to realize that she was, in fact, safe, and it took her another several to remember that she was in her boss's apartment. Try as she might, she couldn't instantly stop her heavy breathing or the few strangled sobs that still escaped her throat. The whole time Olivia gently rocked them both and softly provided shushing sounds just as she would when Noah would have a nightmare.

"Liv..." Amanda was finally able to say coherently after a minute of the older woman's calming motions.

The elder woman slowly released her grip on the younger woman so they could see each other's face "Amanda," Olivia said as she tried to catch her eyes "are you okay?"

Amanda didn't answer, but instead tried to squirm out of her hold. Olivia instantly let her go not wanting her to feel trapped or restrained. "I'm sorry Liv..." she said as she turned her back to the older woman as she tried to wipe away her tears and compose herself. "They're not usually this bad. I didn't mean to wake you up"

"Don't be sorry, Amanda, I get it. There's nothing wrong with having nightmares" Olivia said kindly as she stared at Amanda's back. She noticed the younger woman's pajama shirt had ridden up to the side during her rough sleep and the light scars on her back were made visible to her eyes once again. It reminded her of the pain that her youngest detective was put through by the hands of that man.

"I know... they've just been getting worse. I can't wait for everything to be over so it can all stop" Amanda admitted as she finally turned around to face Olivia, the evidence of distress still prominent on her features.

"Amanda" Olivia began with a look of pure compassion "the nightmare won't end that easily," she said sadly. " I know. Mine didn't stop after Lewis went to jail, or even after he died for that matter. It takes time, and even now I still get one every once in a while" the elder woman said truthfully. "But, it will get better... I promise, especially with help" Olivia added when she saw the painful expression cross Amanda's face when she said this. "Have you... well, have you considered talking to someone about all of this... in a professional manner?" she asked gently. Olivia knew how much of a touchy subject therapy was for Amanda.

Amanda was silent for several beats before she made eye contact with Olivia again. "Actually…" she began and gave a small sheepish smile "I have considered talking to…. someone… professionally" Amanda had difficulty saying the words. She couldn't help but feel guilty about the comments she made to Olivia all those years ago about not needing to pay someone to listen to her problems.

"That's wonderful, Amanda," Olivia said with a smile as she squeezed the younger woman's hand gently to convey her feeling physically. "What changed your mind… if you don't mind me asking" The elder woman asked swiftly, not wanting to push Amanda away by her probing question.

"Well, to be honest, it was Carisi who helped me see things in a different perspective. That it would be possible for me to even seek out help" Amanda revealed with a slight embarrassed blush on her cheeks. She hated that her team had been constantly seeing her in such a vulnerable state.

"I am so proud of you, Amanda, really I am. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and to stand up against your attacker in court. Just know that you're not alone" Olivia said honestly. Amanda simply nodded her head in response as she stifled a yawn. Despite the horrific dream, she was still exhausted. Olivia noticed this but also knew from experience how difficult it would be for her to fall asleep once again. "Hey… Amanda?" Olivia began tentatively "do you want to sleep in my room for the rest of the night?"

"What?" Amanda responded quickly at the offer "No, Liv, I don't want to bother you any more than I have. Besides, my luck I'll probably end up hitting you in my sleep. Also, wouldn't it be a little strange for me to share a bed with my boss" she said with a wry expression as she raised her shoulders slightly up.

"Trust me, Amanda, it no problem at all. Actually, I would probably sleep better knowing that I can be right there when a nightmare begins, and don't worry about hitting me, I have a Cal King bed. We could both spread out and still probably not touch the rest of the night" Olivia smiled as she rose off the bed and reached her hand forward for Amanda's "also, I don't think it would be strange at all, it's just a sleep over and no one else needs to ever know"

Amanda thought about the offer for several seconds all the while Olivia stood there waiting with her hand stretched out. In reality, Amanda didn't want to be alone at that moment, and she hated herself for even feeling that way, but in the end, she took Olivia's hand.

* * *

Amanda was surprised when she awoke that same morning to an empty bed. She had slept easily the remainder of that night. Her heart skipped a beat when she noticed Jesse was not with her but she instantly calmed down when she remembered that she was in Olivia's room, and not some dark warehouse held against her will. The young detective took her time as she rose out of the bed. She wasn't looking forward to this morning. She had been so flustered the night before that she actually allowed herself to sleep in her boss' bed, with the woman still in it.

"Just breath, Amanda, just breath and don't think about it," she said aloud to herself as she stopped in front of Olivia's mirror. "She won't think any less of you because of last night, Olivia gets it" she tried to convince herself of the truth. Amanda had made great headway on learning to trust and being able to lean on her team in the last few weeks, but she was still having difficulty reconciling her new dependence on them and her long-standing need to be self-reliant.

Surprisingly Amanda was pulled from her own thoughts by the growl from her stomach. Growing up she had learned to be a morning person, she had to get herself and Kim ready for school and that included finding some way to feed the two of them. As a result, she was used to eating first thing in the morning when food was available, and the delicious smell of bacon and eggs was making her mouth water.

Amanda walked slowly into the living room area and saw her daughter sitting in a high chair waiting to be fed with Noah right next to her making her laugh with silly faces. "You know this is the second time I've woken up to you making breakfast" Amanda said to Olivia as she leaned near her daughter to give her a good morning kiss "and I can honestly say that if someone told me that, even a few weeks ago, it would happen I would have laughed in their face"

Olivia chuckled at Amanda's words "well, time is a funny thing isn't it" she responded as she placed the food on the table and gave her son a sweet smile "I never thought I would be a mother, but here we are"

"Is there anything I can help you with?" Amanda asked not wanting to feel useless or ungrateful

"No, I have everything pretty much done. I was thinking that after breakfast we could take the kids to the aquarium. Do something fun" Olivia offered and Noah jumped for joy the moment he heard his mother talk about the aquarium.

"Trying to enjoy the calm before the storm" Amanda stated back without thinking. She bit her lip the moment the words left her mouth, she didn't mean to sound so cynical or unappreciative of what Olivia was trying to do for her.

"Something like that" Olivia answered back not at all bothered by Amanda's remarks. She knew that Amanda wasn't used to having people take care of her and she was just acting out defensively. Just as all the food on the table was placed and they were about to eat Olivia's phone started to ring. She knew it had to be important because she gave specific instructions to not be bothered this weekend unless it was a matter of life and death, and as it turned out that's exactly what it was.

"What! When!" Olivia said as she heard the other person speak over the phone. Her body language instantly changing from the calm and relaxed demeanor it had been to an agitated state "Two hours ago?... alright, we're on our way"

"What happened, Liv?" Amanda asked. She had become on edge the moment Olivia answered the phone.

Olivia took a deep breath as she set her phone down "that was Fin" she began "Erin Colton just passed away due complications from her accident. We need to get down to the station"

Amanda just stood there processing the information given to her. It was only after Jesse managed to toss her sippy cup to the floor she seemed to come back to reality "he killed her, Liv, maybe it wasn't him who drove the car but he killed her and he's going to get away with it"

"No, he's not. We won't let him" Olivia answered her back firmly "I'm going to call Lucy to see if she can babysit today, but until then we can leave them with my neighbor, she's watched Noah before for me. Can you get dressed while I make the calls?" she asked Amanda still seeing the worry etched across the younger woman's face.

The time it took for Amanda to get ready and for them to arrive at the precinct was a blur to the young mother. The ride was somber and silent. Amanda only spoke next when she arrived at the squad room and Fin asked her how she was doing. A question she blatantly side-stepped.

"We need to charge him with murder," Carisi said to the team and Barba "He's responsible for Erin's death"

"I have no doubt you're right, but the issue lies in the evidence" Barba responded as he pointed to the large board that contained all the information about Erin's accident and Corey on it "he has an alibi and there is no physical evidence tying him to the crime"

"He has motive" Fin interjected "with Erin gone our case is only that much weaker"

"Motive isn't enough, we need hard evidence" Barba responded "I want this man to pay just as much as the rest of you, but we need to do to it within the realms of the law and that means following all of the rules. Our best bet right now is the case we have against him with Amanda. The investigation on Erin's accident is still too new. We can go after him for that after we get him with this current trial"

"Screw the rules," Fin said angrily "guys like him have been playing the system for years, we need to take him down and do it hard" he finished as he punched his hand into his fist "just give me a few minutes with the guy. I can get him to confess to everything"

"Don't even say that as a joke" Barba said dryly, but he felt the same.

"Who said I was joking"

"Fin, that's enough" Olivia ordered. She couldn't let one of her detectives talk like that. "What we need right now is to make sure that nothing else happens from now until the trial. If we want to take him down..." Olivia was cut off as Corey's lawyer walked into the squad room and was directed by the desk officer to their group.

"Detective Amanda Rollins," the Lawyer said as he approached the group holding up a manila folder

Olivia and Barba quickly stepped in front of the lawyer "what do you want, you are not to speak with Detective Rollins until Monday at court" Barba said with distrust as the other attorney tried to step around them.

"This has nothing to do with that case," the sleazy man said as he finally made it to Amanda and handed her the document "we'll be sending over a technician to begin the test as soon as possible," he said before turning on his heels and leaving.

Amanda opened the folder. Her face went completely pale and she swayed noticeable to the point that Carisi had to grab onto her so she wouldn't fall. "What is it, Amanda?" Olivia asked in concern at the sudden change in behavior from her youngest detective.

"He's... he's..." Amanda struggled to form a coherent sentence. At this point, she started to shake her head and clasped a hand over her mouth in shock.

Not being able to stand his partner in such extreme distress without knowing why Fin gently grabbed the legal document from her hands and read it. A steady stream of curses left his mouth before he gave an explanation to the others "that son of a bitch is claiming paternal rights over Jesse and is suing for joint custody. He's forcing a paternity test to happen today"

 **A/N: so that's the twist I've been planning from the beginning. This is another reason I had to explain the shift in episodes in the first chapter to make it all work :) I hope everyone liked it and it wasn't too predictable, although I kind of left a lot of hints about it throughout the story. Thanks to everyone who is still reading and reviewing :) This story is almost over, but there is still a lot of drama to play out before everything is done.**


	15. I won't let it happen

**A/N:For some reason this chapter was difficult to write. I hope it's not boring or anything. I just needed certain things to happen before the next chapter, which will be the last :)**

Amanda continued to shake in Carisi's hold as the realization and gravity of the situation began to set in on her "I won't let him have her. She's my daughter" she said in a trembling voice caused by both fear and anger. Amanda pulled away from Carisi and shoved past him so she could have several feet of distance from everyone. The last thing she wanted, at that moment, was to be held by anyone.

"We won't let that happen, Amanda, we're going to fight him on this" Olivia said firmly as she saw the young mother before her struggle to keep her emotions in check. Out of all the tactics, Corey could use to throw off Amanda's mental stability, this was one of the worst she could think of. After what Amanda had revealed to the elder woman that drunken night, Olivia had a fear that the wicked man would use Jesse's uncertain conception against them if he ever found out.

"Is there even a need for a fight?" Carisi asked uncertainly, his gaze holding only sympathy and pain "is he the father?" he finished as he shifted from foot to foot. He hated to ask, but he wanted to know, no, he hoped that this was a non-issue. Deep down he had always assumed that the father was Amaro, even if Jesse was the spitting image of Amanda and regardless of the woman's own claims against it.

All eyes turned to Amanda after Carisi's insensitive, but good natured, question. Amanda's breath started to become more rapid at the intensity of their perceived scrutiny. "I, uh..." she began as her hands began to tremble "um... it's not that easy..." she breathed hard again.

"Alright, that's enough" Olivia cut in as she took a step in front of Amanda to bring the attention off of the distraught mother "it's a mute point if he is the father or not. He doesn't really want Jesse. Corey is just trying to get into Amanda's head. To make her weaker on the stand. What we should..." she was cut off by a stronger sounding voice.

"Hold on, Liv," Amanda said with a more calm and controlled voice. Olivia grabbing the attention away for those few seconds allowed Amanda to try and compose herself better, if only slightly. "It does have an important impact... they should know the truth," she said sadly. Olivia looked back and gave a small nod at the younger woman's decision.

"The truth is guys..." Amanda took a deep breath to steel her nerves "I don't know who Jesse's father is" at her words the SVU detectives and the ADA sent uncertain looks to each other, before coming back to Amanda. "In that warehouse when..." she took another hard breath, she didn't like telling this story but she needed to "well, y'all know it wasn't just Corey who raped me that weekend... it was four other guys".

A hard line set in Fin's face as Amanda said this. The pain that was caused to his partner sent a searing white anger coursing through his blood. He knew about the others, he was one of the few individuals who had actually seen all of the videos of Amanda's assault. Fin was working nonstop trying to find those other men, as well as trying to bring Corey to justice.

"I got pregnant because of ..." she gave a sigh "because of what they did to me" Amanda had to look away as she said this. "I kept Jesse because she's mine. I don't care who conceived her, I had no say in her conception, he should have no say with her"

"He won't get away with this Amanda" Fin said soundly. "If his test turns up a match, he'll have to step over my dead body to get to you and Jesse again". Amanda smiled at his supportive and comforting words, but she knew that even Fin couldn't stop it if Corey won the lawsuit.

"Can I see the documents?" Barba asked as he held out his hand. Fin handed over the aforementioned paperwork. He quickly scanned the pages before he regained eye contact with the others in the room "I will help you fight this, Amanda. We'll get a great attorney for you..." he was cut off

"Great attorney..." Amanda scoffed "I may be out of debt, but I'm still not rich. He has so much more funding than me, I can't hire a lawyer to compete with that"

"Don't worry about that, Manda, I'll help with that" Fin said to address her concerns

"The best person I can think of for this would be Calhoun, she would be able to tear any argument Corey tries to press for Jesse apart," Barba said matter of factly

"Calhoun," Amanda said surprised, "I said I couldn't afford a decent lawyer for this and then you mention one of the top dogs. Even if I do except Fin's..." Carisi gave a cough indicating his own readiness to help "... or anyone's help with paying for this... she's just too much"

"Stop worrying about this, Amanda" Barba cut in sharply "I have this covered, you don't even have to ask. Consider it done, so let's move on" he finished and continued to address the other problems they faced. Olivia wasn't surprised when Barba offered, or more like dictated, that he would handle getting Calhoun to work Amanda's case. He had been the one to pay for her own legal defense, also recommending Calhoun, when she was being indicted for Lewis's suspicious death.

"At the moment we can't stop the paternity test from being done and from the looks of it, they intend to expedite the results so that they could come as soon as Monday afternoon or Tuesday" Barba explained

"So he intends to bring this up in the court case as well?" Carisi questioned but already knew the answer.

"I would probably count on it," The Cuban attorney said with a nod "his defense is not that he didn't have Amanda tied in a warehouse and filmed her assault, he can't deny that it happened because of the video. No, his defense is all about claiming it was consensual and that Amanda did it for the money. The fact that he claims to have a permit to create amature porn helps his side, and if he is the father of Jesse he could claim that any rape victim would have aborted a baby conceived in that assault. He could say that since she kept Jesse, it proves she wasn't in distress or that he's a good guy because he's trying to support his daughter"

"That's a load of bull crap," Fin said disgusted in the situation at large

"We know that, but the jury doesn't, and their decision is all that matters," Barba said definitively.

"I don't want to lose Jesse, I don't want to have to share her with my... rapist. I can't do that" Amanda said with anger, bringing the attention back to her. "If we lose the case... there's nothing to stop Corey from taking her from me or forcing himself into my life, Jesse's life. I mean, look at what happened with Avery Jordan, that sports anchor. She was raped and then her rapist won a claim for her child. In the end, she had to flee to Canada. The law was against her. It's against me..."

"We all agree that the laws need to change on this matter, but we can't focus on that right now" Olivia cut in. She could tell that Amanda was working herself up again and she didn't want her to have a breakdown in front of the guys. The stress and embarrassment for the young blonde mother would only hurt her health. "I'm going to be taking Amanda back to my apartment if anything else develops don't hesitate to call me" she finished as she subtly placed a hand behind Amanda to lead her to the exit.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda said as she looked out the passenger side window of the car as Olivia drove them back to her apartment "I shouldn't have gotten so worked up in the squad room"

"Are you kidding, Amanda, you have every right to get worked up. The guys understand that this is difficult for you because it's difficult for all of us" Olivia said as she gave the younger woman a soft but sad smile.

"I don't want Jesse to know how she was conceived, the pain it caused you in your childhood..." Amanda paused as she remembered Olivia explaining the guilt she felt, how when she was young she regretted her own existence, and her mother's reaction to her "I don't want Jesse to go through that"

"I don't want that either" Olivia agreed, feeling that Amanda was taking this conversation somewhere

"How would you have felt if you found out the man who raped your mother tried to fight for custody?" she asked offhand

Olivia wasn't expecting this question and she had to take a second to process her own thoughts. "Right now, at my age with all of my experience, I would only feel more anger at him. A man like that doesn't do anything that doesn't benefit himself. I would know that he did it for a reason, for himself, to gain something, heck I would probably think he would have wanted to sell me on the streets" Olivia explained and said the first thing that came to mind. "But, that's me now, and I would love to put him in jail" she let out a sigh "Amanda, I have to be honest, though, the me as a child would have probably been happy. I wasn't taken care of by my mother and if I heard he was looking for me I probably would have bought whatever lie he told me"

Amanda let out a nervous breath. That was not what she wanted to hear from Olivia.

"Your situation is different," Olivia said after a few seconds, she knew that Amanda was troubled by her honesty "You're a great mother. You would never treat Jesse the way my mother treated me. If she had to meet Corey, I know that by the time she's an adult she would know what he did to you and hate him for it. The man who raped my mother is no father and Corey is no father to Jesse. He could try to claim otherwise but the truth is the truth and there's no getting away from that, those men are scourges on society and eventually everyone sees through them"

Amanda only felt marginally better by Olivia's words. In all honesty, she would rather her daughter never be exposed to the truth of her lineage but for that to happen Corey couldn't be involved in their lives. She had to win that custody battle if he turned out to be the father.

The duo arrived at the apartment not long after their conversation. Amanda quickly went to grab onto her daughter as if someone was going to take her away from her that instant. It was only through Noah's insistence at wanting to play with the baby girl that prompted Amanda to place Jesse back on the floor.

Olivia made some coffee and the older woman sat down to eat a bagel as seeing that they had to skip breakfast that morning, Amanda had no appetite but ate regardless knowing that her boss would only worry if she didn't. They talked about anything but the case at hand, however the stress of their current situation never receded to the recesses of their minds. "Mommy, mommy" Noah's happy voice called from the living room "make fort for me and Jesse to play," he asked excitedly.

"Sorry sweetie, Jesse is too little to play that game" Olivia explained to the crestfallen toddler "why don't you bring her some of your stuffed animals instead" at his mother's words the young boy ran to his room to retrieve the toys.

"You really have a wonderful son, Olivia" Amanda complimented as she watched Noah leave

"Yes, I feel truly blessed to have..." Olivia's words were cut off by a knock at the door. Both women paused to look at each other.

"Is it them?" Amanda said worriedly as she went to grab her baby girl from the floor.

"I'll check" Olivia left her chair and approached the door slowly. She didn't want Jesse to have to give a DNA sample, but she knew that there was nothing they could do to stop it. Opening the door and steeling herself Olivia was ready to come face to face with that sleazy lawyer and whatever technician they hired to take the sample, but instead she saw an unexpected face. "Rita?"

"Well, are you going to invite me in or do we just talk from the doorway?" The tall attorney stated in her usual manner.

"Ye... yeah come in," Olivia said as she stepped aside to allow the other woman access "sorry, I just wasn't expecting you"

"Barba hired me to take Amanda's case" Rita explained as she entered the apartment and saw the young blonde mother holding her daughter for dear life. "He explained the situation and the circumstances from which this case stems and since they're sending someone here today I rushed over. They are to have no further contact with you" she spoke to Amanda "if they need anything they will have to do so through me"

"Thank you, Calhoun" Amanda found herself saying. She never expected to have this woman on her side for anything, let alone fight her battle in court.

"First, I wanted to express my deepest condolences. I truly hope Barba is able to convict that man so he could never smell the sweet air of freedom again for the rest of his miserable life" She began as she reached into her briefcase and started to pull out some paperwork. "Second, I'm going to explain what I..."

She was interrupted by another knock at the door, this time it being Corey's team. They weren't polite about the situation "where's the child" Corey's lawyer asked at the door before walking into the apartment followed by a short man who would take the DNA sample.

At his words Amanda found herself holding tighter onto Jesse. "Actually, you won't be taking Jesse's sample here" Rita chimed in from her place by Amanda and Jesse.

"You can't stop this from happening, we have a court order" the sleazy attorney nearly growled

"I'm not stopping the court order from being fulfilled, but for the health of the child, my client and I have decided to have the sample be given by blood and drawn from the Mercy Hospital staff. The appointment has already been made and will commence in about four hours. You're welcome to meet us at the hospital at that time, but for now, you'll have to leave.

"That's not what's going to happen," the other attorney said getting angry "everything was already set, you can't simply change the time, place, and method"

"Actually we can. See I read the court order, and it only states that the sample must be taken today. It says nothing else about time, place and method. That can be decided by the parties, and in the best interest of Jesse, we have decided to do it at the hospital. Now you can contest this but then you will have to bring it before a judge and if you do that then we'll simply not do the test today, stating it was your party that pulled out. Besides, this is a civil case where the best interest of Jesse is being sought after. If you do wish to protest this matter, however, you'll also have to wait until you can see a judge, my guess Monday afternoon" Rita fired back at him with a defiant stance, challenging him to say another word. When the man didn't Rita gave a condescending smile "I thought so, next time you want to compel a DNA sample from a child, I suggest you put a little more effort in your court order. Unless you assumed my client wouldn't have hired an attorney yet? In either case, you should leave. Now"

With a few grumbles, the sleazy lawyer left the apartment. "That was amazing, Rita," Olivia said as she shut the door behind the two intruders.

"Did you expect anything but excellence?" she responded back with a cocky smirk

"Blood test?" Amanda questioned looking back at her daughter "why did you do that, it would have been a simple swab before?" she finished wondering why her daughter now had to have a needle stuck in her to get the same DNA as a cotton swipe could have given.

"I know you probably don't like the idea, but it's for the best" Rita explained as she indicated for everyone to take a seat. "They're doing this to disrupt the rape case, yes?" She asked already knowing the answer "They want to throw you off, and possibly enter new evidence, but by doing this we are delaying the process. It takes longer for blood samples to be run than saliva, especially when it's a civil case asking it from a hospital and not a criminal one" she explained. "I know the person who will be taking the sample and they said they've been having technical difficulties in their lab, so it may even take several hours longer than expected for Corey's attorney to get the sample" she winked.

"The longer it takes to be given the longer it's going to take to get the results. This will throw off whatever they're planning for by his defense." Olivia realized

"Exactly," Rita said firmly "If you like, I can go with you to the hospital and watch over the proceedings"

"Thank you, that would be good," Amanda said with a revealed sigh. The war was still raging, but at that moment it felt like they finally won one of the battles.

Time flew by and before long Amanda found herself taking Jesse to the hospital to get the test. The baby girl didn't like being handled by the hospital staff and she especially didn't like having her blood drawn, but it was over fast. Olivia and Amanda returned with the kids back to the elder woman's apartment for dinner. The night moved far too quickly for the young mother, in fact, time was moving too quickly in general. Soon the trial would start, soon she would find out if Corey was Jesse father or not, soon she would have to fight for custody. She just wished everything could stop. She prayed for the first time in her life that it could all be over. The next morning her prayers were answered, but at what appeared to be a steep cost.

 **A/N: I like Rita Calhoun and I heard that she left SVU because she got a role on another show, so I just wanted to place her somewhere in my story and right here seemed to fit just fine :) Next chapter will be the last. I'm sorry I couldn't help but give one last cliffhanger lol. Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing, it means a lot and gives me the motivation to write :)**


	16. What Really Matters

**A/N: I know it's a little late in coming, but sometimes life gets in the way. I have an exam and other homework to study for but instead, I spent my whole day doing this lol :) This is the final chapter of "Paying Debts", thanks for tagging along for the ride.**

It was cold in the apartment when Amanda awoke that Sunday morning. Her night was restless and long, her mind occupied by the impending trial and eventual paternity test. The young blonde mother looked at her daughter sleeping in the small playpen next to the guest bed in Olivia's home. In a near, but silent, groan Amanda shifted in the bed to look at the clock that perched itself right at the edge of the small nightstand.

"5:50, really?" she whispered to herself as she pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes. "God, this night will never end," she said in dread, but also with a sense complacency. Part of her wished it would never end because the trial would be starting in a little more than twenty-four hours.

Amanda continued to lay in bed for what felt like an eternity, her mind racing about Corey and his impact on her life. She hated him. She wished him dead, not just dead, but a painful death. "Stop it, Rollins," she said to herself "you're a cop, you're a cop, you're a cop" she repeated in a mantra. She knew that her thoughts were not healthy, but she had never hated a person more than she did Corey Dunham. The other side of her mantra reminded her that as a cop she was strong, or needed to be strong. If she couldn't face Corey in open court how could she do her job in the future? How could she push victims to press charges or take the stand if her own fear stopped her?

Amanda's thoughts were interrupted by Olivia's phone ringing in the other room. The young mother heard her boss answer "Benson" in a groggy voice. There was a moment of silence before an almost subdued yell "What! When?" Amanda instantly popped up in bed when she heard those harshly spoken words. "Alright, alright. I'm on my way. Don't let them take him, don't let him talk to them" Olivia finished in a rush as she hung up the call. By the sounds coming from the other room, Amanda could tell that the elder woman was quickly getting dressed.

Not waiting another second, Amanda left the guest room to see what had happened. "Liv? What's wrong?" she asked the brunette as she was heading towards the door. It seemed like the elder woman was trying to leave without letting Amanda know.

"Amanda?" Olivia said in surprise "I thought you'd still be sleeping" she tried to say calmly but the urgency in her voice was still noticeable. "I have to go to the office, just stay here with the kids. Okay" she said as she took another step backward towards the exit.

"The hell I will..." Amanda said with slight anger. She hated being kept out of the loop, and from the looks of things it had to have something to do with her case or else Olivia would have explained herself. "... you're not leaving until you tell me what's going on?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "That was Carisi..." she began to explain but trailed off. She didn't know how Amanda would react to this news "Corey Dunham and Paul Hoffman... were found dead in an alleyway outside of Hoffman's apartment" Olivia finished and looked closely to see Amanda's reaction, but the younger woman hardly reacted.

Amanda had heard her words but they didn't sink in, they couldn't sink in. "Dead?" she repeated with a confused look. It was like the very word had lost all meaning to her. "Dead?" she said again, but with more recognition this time. A slight shudder in Amanda's breathing could be heard "he's... dead. He's gone" she finished with doubt but a slight hint of relief.

"Yes, Corey Dunham in certainly gone for good" Olivia said as she tilted her head to the side and let out a small sigh. Her body language not showing any joy in this outcome, and that scared Amanda.

"But... you're not happy, or at the very least relieved?" Amanda observed "what aren't you telling me" she finished, reasoning that there had to be something more. There was always something more.

"Carisi and Fin were at the squad room..." she began but decided to take another deep breath. To Olivia it felt like all she could do was try and breathe, her mind was racing and her body and mouth couldn't keep up with it "IAB showed up not more than ten minutes ago. They suspect that it was Fin. They are trying to take him in for interrogation this very moment" Olivia deadpanned

"Fin?" Amanda said surprised "He would never do that. They have no right to try and..." she stopped as she saw the concerned look on Olivia's face. "He... he said some things... but he loves his job, this duty to the city. He..."

"He loves you, Amanda," Olivia said softly, and it was true. The senior detective did love her, but not in a romantic sense. It was a bond that he shared with the whole squad. They were a family, and an attack on them was an attack on him. "Fin is loyal to a fault, I have no doubt in my mind that he would do anything to protect you... or any of us if it really came down to it"

"I don't believe it. I can't" Amanda said, but in her heart, she had her own doubts.

* * *

In the end, Amanda refused to stay behind while her partner, the man who always had her back, was being accused of murder. Luckily they were able to have Olivia's neighbor watch the children.

"That's bullshit," Fin said annoyed as Olivia and Amanda entered the squad room "I would be so much better than that" he finished as he threw his hands in the air for emphasis and turned his back away from the two IAB agents in front of him.

"Fin, really?" Carisi said in disbelief as he shook his head at the elder man's words.

"What's going on here?" Olivia pressed once she came close to the group. It was still early in the morning so hardly anyone else was in the squad room, at that moment, to be disturbed by all of the commotion.

"Lieutenant," the first IAB detective said as a way of greeting towards the elder woman "detective Gomes" he introduced himself "and this is detective Florence" his partner nodded for confirmation. "We have reason to suspect that one of your detectives had something to do with the murder of one Corey Dunham and Paul Hoffman, for reasons that should be obvious to all"

"And why do you think one of my detectives had anything to do with their deaths?" Olivia demanded to know. She had spent many years going head to head with IAB, they often liked to accuse first and look at the facts later.

"An eyewitness at the scene of the crime saw a man that matches detective Tutuola's description fleeing the area after shooting both men at point blank range" Gomes explained clearly. "Right now, all we want to know is where he was at 1:30 last night"

"I was here!" Fin said defiantly "I've been working all-nighters for this case. To put Dunham in jail, not to kill the bastard"

"And can anyone confirm this information?" Florence asked as he took some quick notes

"Yeah," Carisi said speaking up "I can. We were here together". Amanda looked at both men. She had no idea that they had been spending their free nights at the station so they could be ready to defeat Corey at trial. She knew they cared, but it seemed every day she was being taken aback by their actions of compassion and determination to help her.

"And you can attest for the whole night?" Gomes questioned, "never any breaks or late night runs?"

"Well..." Fin thought for a second "I did go for a food run last night"

"And what time was this?" Gomes pressed

"Around 1" Fin said with a sigh "we got hungry so I went for some late night Chinese takeout. It's our usual place. You can ask the employees. They know me well there" he explained

"You went there and straight back? What time did you get back?" Florence asked this time

"Yeah, we were busy so I didn't mess around," Fin said "and I got back at like 1:35"

"Really?" Florence said as he recorded this in his notebook "It took you that long to just pick up an order?"

"Okay, that enough," Olivia said as she stepped in between her detective and the IAB officers "he's not saying anything more until he had his union rep with him," she said with authority

"Very well," Gomes said as he turned to leave "but don't think about leaving town detective"

"I would never dream of it," Fin said with contempt

After the IBA detective's left, the room fell silent for several beats. "I'm sorry Fin," Amanda said with a sigh "this is all my fault. If I never would have..." she was cut off by the elder detective.

"Amanda, this is not your fault," Fin said as he waved his hand at where the IAB agents had just been. "Those men got what they deserved, and it wasn't by me. If it was, I would not be a suspect"

"Fin, don't talk like that" Olivia said sternly. The last thing she needed was IAB having any more reason to think that Fin wanted to or planned to kill Dunham. It was bad enough that they probably already knew about the multiple threats to do just that Fin had been saying in the last few weeks. Fin had a knack at letting his feelings of anger for these particular men show, even in public.

"What we need is to figure out who actually killed them," Carisi said as he turned to the evidence board "we need to look at who else had motive for this, and who could be mistaken as Fin"

"That's a tall order," Amanda said as she leaned against her own desk. She was exhausted, and things never seemed to get any better. Yes, her rapist was dead, but now her partner was placed in IAB's cross hairs. She would rather have sat in open court and testified to what was done to her than see her partner go down for this. "Corey was a bookie, he made many women suffer for their mistakes or the mistakes of the people close to them, I can imagine that list would be very long" she finished with a painful look.

"You're right," Olivia said thinking aloud "Corey did hurt a lot of women; more so, one just recently lost her life because of him"

"You're talking about Erin Colton, right" Carisi interjected and went to the part of the evidence board with her picture on it "she was killed due to complications from that hit and run. So far we haven't been able to prove Dunham had anything to do with that"

"We all know he was involved, evidence be damned," Fin said as he crossed his arms in front of himself and leaned against his desk "so you're thinking it could be a relative of Colton's?" he asked, knowing where Olivia was going with this. "The only problem is she was a petite white woman, not the kind of relatives you would expect me to be confused with" he finished as he jerked his head at the blonde woman's photograph.

"It doesn't have to be a blood relative, Fin" Olivia answered him "remember that the only reason Erin was targeted in the first place was because of her husband's gambling issues"

"I've never seen her husband, does he even look like Fin?" Amanda said aloud. She had been kept as far from the case as possible to keep the integrity of their investigation for trial.

"They have the same body type" Olivia responded "he's of Cuban descent and I would say they have similar skin tones, but you wouldn't mix them up in broad daylight"

"This wasn't in broad daylight, though, and I wouldn't have killed them like that" Fin added "we need to find this guy before he skips town"

"No, not we" Olivia stated at Fin's comment "you can't be involved with this investigation, Fin, stay with Amanda and go over your statement. Even when we do find him, IAB is going to want a thorough account of your night" she commanded

"You can't sideline me on this" Fin protested

"Actually I can and I am," Olivia said as she pulled Carisi towards the exit "trust me on this, all I want is for everything to be settled the right way" and with that both her and Carisi left the squad room.

"I can't believe this" Fin grunted as he sat angrily at his desk "they can't just keep me trapped like a dog" he complained

"Welcome to my world" Amanda chuckled slightly "I've been sidelined and under everyone's protection for far too long, it feels like"

"That's different Manda" Fin responded back instantly "Corey could have hurt you again, we only did what we had to do to keep you safe". Amanda nodded at his words and pursed her lips. She began to think about all the times Fin and outright threatened to kill Corey to protect her. "Manda" Fin interrupted her thoughts "do you think I did this?" he asked, almost feeling betrayed

Amanda took a moment to answer "At first..." she trailed off for a few seconds "I thought you could have" Fin's face fell at her words "but, now I know you didn't" she added instantly

"I would have, Manda" Fin said in a calm but serious voice "I would have, if you only asked me too, I'm a man of my word. But you never did ask me, so I vowed to protect you from the right side of the law, but all it would have taken was a single phrase and I would have killed him for you"

Amanda didn't know how to respond to that with words. There was no grand speech of thanks that came to mind, there was no gushing of tears from her sense of gratitude. It's not that she didn't want to thank him, she just didn't know how to tell him how much those words meant to her. Instead of words she simply walked behind his chair and wrapped her arms around his shoulders "thank you" she whispered.

That simple gesture conveyed all of her emotions to the man she trusted with her life. "No worries Manda, I always got your back," he said as he lifted his hand to place over hers.

Amanda nodded her head "so this time let us have your back as well"

* * *

"He doesn't seem to be here Lieu," Carisi said after knocking on Mr. Colton's apartment door for the sixth time "There's no light from the inside and I haven't heard any movement as well"

"We'll put a squad car on the building," Olivia said as she and Carisi turned to leave. They had already placed a BOLO out for the man and were at that moment tracking down all of his usual places of leisure.

"I'll call Rollins, if she's done with Fin's statement we can have her check his bank accounts and last purchases to find him," Carisi said as he pulled out his phone.

Before Carisi could begin to dial, his phone lit up "Carisi" he answered professionally "alright, we're on our way there" he finished before he quickly hung up the line. "That was dispatch, they found Colton. He's on the Brooklyn bridge ready jump" he explained

"Let's get going" Olivia responded as they both took off for the scene "we need to talk to him before he does anything stupid"

The ride to the bridge took twenty minutes, far too long for either of their preferences. The moment they came to the scene they jumped out of the car and ran behind the taped-off area. "I'm Lieutenant Benson SVU, this man is the widower of one of our victims. Let us talk to him, we could probably talk him down" she explained to the man in charge.

"That's not usually how we approach things; however, he not only threatened to jump if we try to approach him but he also said he'd shoot us as well" the officer explained

"He's armed?" Carisi questioned

"Yep, has a handgun. Hasn't used it yet but on the side of caution we're assuming it's real"

Olivia nodded as she took a step closer to the ledge where the man awaited his plunge. "Mr. Colton" Olivia yelled never getting too close but making sure he could hear her "James Colton, please let me talk to you..."

"I said no one come close!" he yelled as he turned slightly and Olivia saw the gun in his hand. Slowly Olivia put her hands up in a nonthreatening gesture.

"I'm not here to hurt you," she said as she took another step "I'm the Lieutenant from SVU, my team was handling your wife's case. We have spoken once before, at the hospital" she tried to explain.

"I remember you" James yelled, "you said you'd catch the bastard that raped my wife. Put him in jail, but it was him who caught my wife. He killed her so she couldn't testify against him. You let him kill her!" he yelled as he turned his back to the ledge and raised the gun at Olivia.

Carisi at seeing this instinctively reached for his own gun, and let his hand rest there in case of anything.

For the first time, the seasoned SVU Lieutenant could see the pure distress and pain on the man's face. His unbridled release of tears cascading down his face. "I loved her and she's gone now... she's dead! So you know what, I killed them! I killed them in that ally, I gave them a dog's death"

Olivia heard his words clearly, along with every other officer at the scene. "I understand that everything you went through is traumatic," she said in trying to defuse the situation. She was still looking down the barrel of the gun "but you don't have to do this anymore, the people who hurt your wife are dead, you killed them yourself. Please, just come off that ledge and talk to us. We understand you were under a lot of emotional distress, we don't blame you for what happened"

"Ha!" James laughed mockingly at Olivia's words "do you honestly think I would fall for such weak words. I know that the moment you all get your hands on me I'm screwed, well no" he said with venom as he shifted his footing "I have nothing to live for anymore, my wife is gone, my life is over! The only consolation I have is knowing that I'm bringing the incompetent cop who let my wife die with me to hell" at that moment three shots rang out through the air.

"Grrrr" Olivia grunted as she fell to the ground. A sharp pain was radiating through her left arm, she was gripping tight to the injured limb as she could see blood begin to seep through her fingertips. Even in her moments of pain, Olivia looked to the ledge to see if James had fallen over. He did. Carisi had fired off two shots the moment James had made it clear that he was going to kill Olivia, his timing was just early enough to shift James' aim away from Olivia's center mass.

"Lieutenant" Carisi yelled the moment James fell from the bridge. He ran as fast as he could to the injured woman's side "Benson, are you okay?" he asked as he scanned her body to see if any more damage was done besides the shot in the arm.

"I'm alright, Carisi," she said through gritted teeth "this is just a flesh wound"

"Yeah, you're no doctor so I'll trust your words once you are seen by one," the younger detective said as he applied pressure to her wound. "The paramedics are coming" as if on cue the medics arrived that moment and began working on the injured Lieutenant. "I'm going to fill in Amanda and Fin and have them meet us at the hospital," Carisi said as the medics gave Olivia a sedative for the pain. The elder woman only nodding while she felt the morphine begin to talk effect.

* * *

Amanda and Fin rushed to the hospital the moment they received the news. "Where is she" Amanda demanded when Carisi met them in the waiting area "what is her condition?".

Carisi could see the panicked expression Amanda had and he wanted to ease her concerns as fast as possible "she's alright, she was shot in the left arm. It went straight through. The docs say that there was no major damage to the muscle and that she'll be as good as new given enough time to heal" Carisi explained quickly.

At his words, Amanda could feel her heart rate slow down. She had been in such a panic that when she found out that Colton had shot Olivia she wouldn't have been surprised if she had a heart attack on the way to the hospital. "So can we see her?" Fin asked getting straight to the point.

"Yeah, the doctors recommend one at a time right now because she under some anesthetics" The younger man explained

"You go, Manda" Fin said as he nudged his head at the door "tell our girl that we're all glad she's okay"

Amanda smiled with a slight nod and went to Olivia's door and lightly knocked "come in" the voice on the other side answered.

"Liv?" Amanda said as she poked her head inside "how's everything going?" she asked and instantly kicked herself. Of course, everything wasn't going well or else she wouldn't be in a hospital bed with a gunshot wound.

"I've been better" the brunette laughed. The drugs giving her a slightly giddy mood. "It's over now" she smiled "You and Jesse are now safe forever. Corey Dunham and his people can never hurt you again" she finished with a truly revealed voice

Amanda nodded solemnly at this "but at what cost, three people dead, you're in the hospital with a bullet wound..." she sighed and shifted from foot to foot. She couldn't look the older woman in the eye at this moment "was it all worth it, Liv?" she asked feeling guilty about the whole situation. In her mind, everything that happened with this case was her fault.

Olivia could recognize Amanda's feelings and shook her head in near disappointment "when are you going to realize that everything is not your fault, Amanda" Olivia chided gently "these were bad men, men that would have hurt women regardless of who they were; but, because of everything that happened they're never going to touch a living soul again. You don't have to be happy, Amanda, but be relieved. Be relieved that your rapist will never bother you again. Be relieved that you don't have to worry about who Jesse's father is, that she doesn't have to grow up knowing that she only exists because her mother was raped" the elder woman finished with a look of pure compassion on her face.

Amanda began to cry at Olivia's words. She did feel relieved. She also felt grateful for everything that her team had done for her in the past few week to keep her safe. In all of her years on this planet, no one had ever shown her the amount of compassion, caring, and love that Olivia and the guys had done for her. "I am, Liv, I am relieved. I am Happy, but right now, I'm happiest that you're okay. That everything is going to be okay"

* * *

Several days had passed since that Sunday morning where all hell broke lose. Olivia was released from the hospital and had another two weeks to go until she was allowed back at work for desk duty. Fin had been cleared of all charges since multiple officers heard James' uncoerced confession. Amanda and the guys had been working to keep the unit going smoothly with Liv out of commission. Chief Dodds had even come down to manage them so 1PP wouldn't replace Olivia during her time off by another superior, her job was secure and waiting for her return. The three SVU detectives truly appreciated his efforts, but they missed the compassion Olivia had in dealing with their victims and couldn't wait to have her back.

"Is everything ready?" Carisi asked Fin as they were winding down the hours that Friday night

"Ready for what?" Amanda asked as she walked up to the pair

"Oh... uh nothing" Carisi said with poorly hidden deceit

"Carisi, I swear to God you have the worst poker face I've ever seen," Amanda said as she placed her hands on her hips "what's going on guys?"

"Nothing, baby girl, just trust me and go with the flow" Fin said trying to push aside Amanda's questions

At that moment Olivia walked in, her arm in a sling but she wasn't missing a step. "Guys, I got your message, but what was so urgent that you needed me to come down here personally" she questioned with confusion playing across her face.

"Dammit Carisi, you sent her the message way too soon" Fin admonished the younger detective

"Okay, come on now. Tell us what's going on" Amanda demanded a little annoyed at all of the theatrics. Fin and Carisi sighed, disappointment plastered their features.

"We wanted to create a little celebration, one for Liv getting out of the hospital and the other for the death of Corey Dunham, a toast for him being out of your life for good, Manda" Fin explained as he lifted his jacket from the floor of his desk and revealed a small cake.

"Awe guys" Olivia smiled "you didn't need to go through all the trouble"

"Yeah, and isn't a bit morbid to toast to the death of a person?" Amanda said a little skeptical of the idea.

"The world's better off with him gone, Manda" Fin said as he lifted the cake "well since the surprise is ruined anyway, want to just move this celebration to Moran's?"

"I could use a little drink," Olivia said with a smile. She appreciated the effort the guys went through to make her feel better. She and Carisi headed downstairs to wait for the two slower members of their team.

"Sorry, if you don't like the idea of this" Fin stated as he came to stand next to Amanda at her desk "you don't have to..."

Amanda cut him off "it's not that, Fin, I guess I've just been avoiding something and then thinking about toasting Corey's death made me realize that he's still haunting me in a way" she finished as she nudged her head towards a manila envelope on her desk. It had been there for two days now and she hadn't stopped thinking about it since. The envelope held the paternity test for Jesse.

"Are you going to open it?" Fin asked as he looked down at the offending document. Amanda didn't give an answer but instead just continued to stare at the envelope as if it would burst into flames at any second. "A DNA test doesn't make a father, Manda" Fin said as he pulled the younger woman from her thoughts "just remember, he's gone now and he only has as much power over you as you allow him too. Just know, whatever you decide, Liv, Carisi and especially me will be there by your side every step of the way"

Amanda digested his words and nodded "you're right, Fin, I don't need this ghost" she said as she snatched the envelope walking it to the shredder and sent it through. "It doesn't matter what that document said, Jesse doesn't need a father like that, not when she... we have a great family right here" she finished with a confident smile. Fin nodded his agreement with a proud grin of his own.

 **A/N: A little longer than I first expected but I guess that makes up for its lateness. Thanks for all the support and reviews throughout this story :) there was a point that I actually wanted to give up on this fic, but I decided against it because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Thanks again :)**


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